Here’s the Problem: The Untitled Bunchend-Brady Project

Here’s the Problem:  Gisele Bunchend and Tom Brady have yet to name their child and she popped this kid out 9 days ago!!! Get this kid a shot gun now cuz it’s all downhill.

Actual Problem:  Please help the current holders of America’s Worst Parent Award name this baby before it’s too late:

Thank you to Nicole Searls for being an excellent Soup & Gossip Mag partner and pointing out this story.

And a special thank you to *BoyBoss* for his help getting a “poll up in this piece”… and then pointing out the double entendre of that statement.

Here’s the Problem: Jersey Shore 1*

Does no one pay attention to posted signs anymore?

Here’s the Problem:  I’m all caught up on the first 3 episodes of MTV’s Jersey Shore.  Yes, I know I’m a little late, but I thought  – I grew up amidst this mess, I don’t need to watch it on TV!  I could use that time watching more important stuff (like The Sing Off – Maxx Factor 4-eva!).    But now that I’m all sucked in, I’d like to add my two cents to the pile of counterfeit change on MTV’s doorstep.   What I loved most about the shore were not just the Italian Guidos and Guidettes, but the wannabes.  The Columbian Guidos, the Jewish Guidettes, the Black guys standing outside your favorite water ice stand talking like their Sicilian grandmother just dropped them off.

Actual Problem:  I’m having trouble relating here.  Not only cuz I’ve never gotten naked in a rooftop hot tub full of strangers, but because even though I went to high school with a Mike Capozzi AND a Mike Capizzi, I don’t feel Italian enough to be apart of this group.

*Just giving myself the opportunity to make this a series, should it become necessary… and it WILL be necessary.

Here’s The Problem: US Weekly Headlines

it's shocking that these kids can't work it out...

Here’s The Problem: This morning my US Weekly “alert” email pops up with this headline: Tiger Woods Divorce is 100 Percent On. Really?? It is? I cannot believe that! Shocking news.

Actual Problem: I love US but I cannot take it when they talk to me like I’m special. Next thing ya know, the headlines will be: Lohan – Still a Mess, Stevie Wonder – Still Blind, etc.

Here’s The Problem: Madonna and Lourdes

Here’s The Problem: Madonna and her daughter, Lourdes, attended the premiere of Nine together. I’m sure it was an evening full of fun, fake accents and more. Here’s my issue with their delightful leather and lace outfits…..Little “Lola” is 13….and she seems to be wearing fishnet stockings and a glove?

Actual Problem: Dressing like your mother gets you nowhere. Do the names Naomi and Wynnona mean anything to you?

Here’s the Problem: A New Kardashian

Here’s the Problem:  Kourtney Kardashian had her baby!  Apparently there wasn’t a swarm of paparazzi following her to the hospital.  There are no photos of her water breaking.  They named the kid Mason.  Everyone seems so joyous and the tweets are filled with love.  Why the fuck is everything so normal?

Actual Problem:  Suspicion.  I’m starting the rumor right now, this kid has no belly button.

Here’s The Problem: Tiger Woods

this is the cover of the 12 Women of Tiger Calendar (coming in 2010)

Here’s The Problem: Listen. I’m sick of this. Tiger is gross. He banged everyone and their mother and now it’s all we hear about night and day. GET OVER IT. The only thing I wonder about is that one old chick he was with….

Actual Problem: What do you get when a Tiger screws a cougar?

Here’s The Problem:No One will go to The Princess and the Frog

oh look - she's wishing for parents who will take her to the damn movies.

Here’s The Problem: Disney movies are my favorite. Especially the Princess movies – cause ya know – girls get married at 16 and fight obese octopuses and run around singing to trees and candle sticks and tea pots and shit. And that’s my DREAM.  SO – when I heard about the Princess and the Frog I got SO excited! I asked my daddy if he wanted to go – for old times sake. He said NO WAY and something about pouring hot wax on himself first? Ouch, burn. THEN I asked my adorable, always loving, Fake Mom. She said…..well, let’s forget about what she said.

Actual Problem: When these people get old and want me to take THEM to the movies, I’m gonna be like – hey – sorry, I’m very busy pouring hot wax on myself.

Here’s the Problem: Blippy

Sorry Pud

Here’s the Problem:  New social networking site Blippy has just arrived on the scene and is making life that much less private.  Blippy is like a twitter feed but instead of you writing useless updates about your day, it shares WHAT YOU’RE BUYING.  Yes.  It takes info from amazon, zappos, paypal and even credit card companies and broadcasts how much you’ve spent and where.

Actual Problem:  If I wanted you to know that at 2 am I bought birthday candles, condoms and draino from CVS, I would have tweeted “Just another Saturday night!”.

Here’s the Problem: Robert Degen, RIP

We’ll miss “alleged” writer of the Hokey Pokey.

Here’s The Problem: Bicycles are not Cars – Holiday Edition

not cool. lame. are you listening? NOT COOL. L A M E. I will still run over you.

Here’s The Problem: This morning, some fool who had his bicycle decked out for Christmas, cut in front of my car. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – bikes are NOT cars and decorating your bike does not make you special. Blasting Feliz Navidad from a tiny radio tied to your handle bars does NOT make you jolly and it does NOT make it ok to pretend you are in an automobile.

Actual Problem: I’m too small and weak to stop my car, kick your ass AND steal the mistletoe off your bike.