Here’s the Problem: Dear John Kicks Some Avatar Ass

Here’s the Problem:  Dear John was #1 at the box office, kicking Avatar to #2 after seven weeks at the top spot.

Actual Problem:  Let’s list them!

1. The glamorization of war in American movies because, well hell, at least it’s not on our turf.
2. Channing Tatum, while a fine piece of man, is no actor.  I do, however, appreciate our nation’s ability to look past a man’s less than respectable career beginnings and give him an opportunity explore working with clothes on… but only when he’s dry.
3. That song in the trailer where Martha Wainwright sounds like Joanna Newsom.
4. It’s Nicholas Sparks.  The probability that one of them is going to die is so positive this may as well of taken place on the Titanic.

Anything I missed?

Here’s the Problem: Facebook Layout Catastrophe

Here’s the Problem:  CALM THE FUCK DOWN.  Yes, your favorite social networking site looks a little different when you log on now.  Suck it up and deal.  Remember when we used to go to the library and go through encyclopedias to do reports and then they came out with a CD-ROM and it played national anthems in that tinny format? We didn’t whine about that.  We embraced change.  So why get in a huff now that your favorite time wasting website you spend your day wasting time on (besides this one, of course) put your contact list on the left rather than the right?

Actual Problem: There was an earthquake in Haiti, y’all.  Let’s get our “whiney ass” priorities straight and send a really expensive text message.

Thank you Sam Caino for sharing this problem, coining the term “whiney ass” and for sharing his Facebook front page with the world.

Here’s the Problem: Russell Brand and Jason Segel Kiss

Katy isn't the only one in this relationship that can get some same sex action

Here’s the problem: Russell Brand and Jason Segel took their bromance a little too far and shared a passionate kiss at The Stand with Haiti Benefit Concert last week.

Actual problem: Other than the fact that I am officially scarred for life? If Russell starts yelling out Jason’s name in bed, we will have an actual problem.

*Thank you guest writer Hillary for this awesome post.  It’s like if Kara and I had a kid… when we were 2… it’s be this girl.

Here’s the Problem: Taylor/Kelly Throwdown

Claws Out!

Here’s the Problem: No one said Taylor Swift had the best voice (well, besides my alcoholic ex boyfriend, but he’s in rehab for that too).  So when she didn’t have the best performance at the Grammys we let it slide.  She’s a kid with a great knack for songwriting so we’re not expecting Whitney Houston.  But instead of letting this fade into the background like your loss for 7th grade president, Scott Borchetta, the CEO of Swift’s label got into defense mode.  Blaming volume this, technical that, and worst of all blaming the expectations of the audience, saying,

This is not American Idol. This is not a competition of getting up and seeing who can sing the highest note

In response, Kelly Clarkson – THE American Idol – spewed back.   Giving Borchetta a piece of her mind.  She’s an Idol with substance, she says.

Actual Problem:  There’s gonna be a – what? – a girl fight!

Nah… actually, Taylor and Kelly will probably continue to shower each other with compliments and be completely sweet and kind.  They’re just that kinda girl.  Boring ones.

Here’s the Problem: Sitcom “Star” Comebacks

Here’s the Problem: Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence both known from Dancing with the Stars (and my 10 year old fantasies) are making comebacks – starring in an ABC Family sitcom about… who cares.   More disturbing is a Showtime series starring an aging Matt Leblanc called Episodes, about Matt LaBlanc being a crappier version of Matt LaBlanc.

Actual Problem:  Remember when LaBlanc played a pathetically bad actor on Friends?  And then he got to do it again on Joey?   I think he’s taking this method acting too far.

*thanks intern Hillary

Here’s The Problem: Valentine’s Day: The Movie

hot people don't suffer. they just don't.

Here’s The Problem: This movie, Valentine’s Day, has taken ALL super good looking people (with the exception of George Lopez, sorry Dad!) and put them together. Cool. I love it. However, in the preview, you see a sad, drunk, Jessica Biel and a forlorn Jennifer Garner and even a tormented Emma Roberts……

Actual Problem: Hot people do not have bad Valentine’s Days. That pain is reserved for the every-day-Janes. If you’re gonna do this movie – cast some ugly people for the sad story lines. Thanks.

Here’s The Problem: Mama Mia: The Sequel

I hear that in the sequel she gets her other foot done

Here’s The Problem: Mama Mia 2. Yup, that’s right. I guess the story of a mother/daughter dancing and singing duo never gets old……actually, wait, it does. What exactly is going to happen here? Are they going to sing Dancing Queen AGAIN??? Do I have to sob through ANOTHER scene of Meryl painting her daughter’s toenails? Really? We’re really doing this???

Actual Problem: If they put Colin Firth in another body suit – I’m out.

Here’s the Problem: Jackson Kids

Here’s the Problem:  I know, I know.  You say “too soon”.   I say, “I have a blog to write.  So suck it. “

Michael Jackson’s son, Prince, and daughter, Paris, spoke on his behalf at the Grammy’s on Sunday.  Prince had a commanding stage presence and impressive speaking ability that makes me think he could be the next Rod Blagojevich.

Actual Problem:  Paris Jackson.  Whose lack of poise, slurred speech, and unintelligible message had me thinking she could be the next… well… Paris.

**Special thanks to reader Hillary Weiss for practically being the part-time intern we always dreamt of and sending us this and many other stellar problems.   Hillary’s in school for something, and those classes are already paying off because she’s been ignoring off her lecture in favor of reading HTP.  That’s using your noggin.

Here’s The Problem: Chapter 2 of John Mayer Knows It All

gosh John, you should really put all these thoughts down and write a book.......called "I'm a Moron"

Here’s The Problem: John Mayer strikes again with some really impressive logic on the Tiger Woods situation (you know, the stituation where Tiger was sticking his putter in every hole he could find? Yeah – that one).

“Tiger Woods’ problems come from him being married. The end. It has nothing to do with control. If Tiger Woods was a single guy, what sort of angle would there be to a text message? If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said ‘I wanna wear your ass like a hat’, why would that ever hit the news?” 

“With this whole Tiger Woods situation…I wish more people would be like, ‘You know what, Mayer? You didn’t f*** up at all.”

Actual Problem: I don’t even know where to BEGIN.

Here’s The Problem: Meryl vs. Sandy

"I'm gonna beat Meryl. Do you understand?!"

Here’s The Problem: Oscar nominations have come out and my girl Sandy Bullock is nominated for Best Actress! I’m so very proud of her and have been her super fan ever since I saw While You Were Sleeping. But……..she’s up against Meryl….and we ALL know what happens when Meryl is nominated for things…..Meryl wins. Sigh.

Actual Problem: The Academy has yet to get back to me about my “Just For Meryl” category proposal.