- Hooray!! You’ve ruined your life!
Here’s The Problem: People who celebrate terrible, terrible things. You’re 17 and you’re getting married – AWESOME!!! You’re a 57 year old man and you got your ear pierced – STELLAR MOVE!! You just dropped out of college to become a pop star – BEST OF LUCK!!!
Actual Problem: You are very foolish and someone should bake you a cake that says: WISE UP, DUMBASS! – with frosting flowers, of course.
Not enough chamois in the world to clean up this mess.
Here’s the Problem: The ShamWow dude was arrested last month for punching a prostitute he hired (who was allegedly biting his tongue).
Actual Problem: The ShamWow guy has to pay for sex??? What does that mean for us mortals?
Good job Aunt Michelle. Can I borrow your Bedazzler when you're done?
Here’s the Problem: Coach just debuted their new Bonnie line inspired by Bonnie Cashin (You can say, “who?” It’s ok. I did too.). It features a hideous $1,000 bejeweled canvas tote that spits in the face this little recession us poor Americans are all crying about.
Actual Problem: We can’t even afford half the stuff in the bead aisle of Michael’s to make a faux one.
Now THAT's how you party Slanket style.
Here’s the REAL problem: The slanket came out 2 years before the Snuggie and is a SUPERIOR product – better name, better quality, larger color variety.
Actual problem: Either way, you’re still just wearing a bathrobe backwards.
Wrapped in LIES!
Here’s The Problem: You have been brainwashed by the haunting, hypnotizing, infomercial that advertises SNUGGIES. You have been conditioned to believe that you are purchasing an amazing new product that will keep you warm and fuzzy for years to come.
Actual Problem: You just bought a blanket with sleeves, dumbass.
Remake THIS bitches!
Here’s The Problem: Rumor has it that Warner Bros. is considering a “revisit” of the 80′s classic THE NEVERENDING STORY.
Actual Problem: The actual word we are looking for here is RUIN. Don’t fix shit if it ain’t broke!
Toffee wants Daddy to get her new Tory Burch pumps. And a bone.
Here’s the Problem: Kids these days could not be bothered with sad looking Pound Puppies. Welcome Tini Puppini and get your lame excuse for a dog into hair, makeup, and designer clothes.
Actual Problem: 5-year olds saying, “You only like me for my Doggy Style”
Get it?! GET IT?!?!
Here’s the Problem: IMing with my friend, and she thinks that my neighborhood windy, like, with trees blowing, and I’m just saying the streets curve around a lot.
Actual Problem: A friend who you have to talk about weather or topography with, is not a friend you want to talk to.
watch my show!
Here’s The Problem: When THE HILLS wraps up its final season, everyone’s favorite moron, Audrina Patridge, will be starring in her own spinoff.
Actual Problem: Without Lauren there to read her the cue cards – this show will consist of blank stares and Justin Bobby. Nobody needs that!
Wow Mark. Your Facebook is so big!
Here’s the Problem: Facebook creater Mark Zuckerberg sent an email to employees that he doesn’t care if Facebook users don’t like the new layout.
Actual Problem: He’s successful AND an asshole which probably means he’s not single. Damn.