Here’s the Problem: A New Kardashian

Here’s the Problem:  Kourtney Kardashian had her baby!  Apparently there wasn’t a swarm of paparazzi following her to the hospital.  There are no photos of her water breaking.  They named the kid Mason.  Everyone seems so joyous and the tweets are filled with love.  Why the fuck is everything so normal?

Actual Problem:  Suspicion.  I’m starting the rumor right now, this kid has no belly button.

Here’s The Problem: Tiger Woods

this is the cover of the 12 Women of Tiger Calendar (coming in 2010)

Here’s The Problem: Listen. I’m sick of this. Tiger is gross. He banged everyone and their mother and now it’s all we hear about night and day. GET OVER IT. The only thing I wonder about is that one old chick he was with….

Actual Problem: What do you get when a Tiger screws a cougar?

Here’s The Problem:No One will go to The Princess and the Frog

oh look - she's wishing for parents who will take her to the damn movies.

Here’s The Problem: Disney movies are my favorite. Especially the Princess movies – cause ya know – girls get married at 16 and fight obese octopuses and run around singing to trees and candle sticks and tea pots and shit. And that’s my DREAM.  SO – when I heard about the Princess and the Frog I got SO excited! I asked my daddy if he wanted to go – for old times sake. He said NO WAY and something about pouring hot wax on himself first? Ouch, burn. THEN I asked my adorable, always loving, Fake Mom. She said…..well, let’s forget about what she said.

Actual Problem: When these people get old and want me to take THEM to the movies, I’m gonna be like – hey – sorry, I’m very busy pouring hot wax on myself.

Here’s the Problem: Blippy

Sorry Pud

Here’s the Problem:  New social networking site Blippy has just arrived on the scene and is making life that much less private.  Blippy is like a twitter feed but instead of you writing useless updates about your day, it shares WHAT YOU’RE BUYING.  Yes.  It takes info from amazon, zappos, paypal and even credit card companies and broadcasts how much you’ve spent and where.

Actual Problem:  If I wanted you to know that at 2 am I bought birthday candles, condoms and draino from CVS, I would have tweeted “Just another Saturday night!”.

Here’s the Problem: Robert Degen, RIP

We’ll miss “alleged” writer of the Hokey Pokey.

Here’s The Problem: Bicycles are not Cars – Holiday Edition

not cool. lame. are you listening? NOT COOL. L A M E. I will still run over you.

Here’s The Problem: This morning, some fool who had his bicycle decked out for Christmas, cut in front of my car. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – bikes are NOT cars and decorating your bike does not make you special. Blasting Feliz Navidad from a tiny radio tied to your handle bars does NOT make you jolly and it does NOT make it ok to pretend you are in an automobile.

Actual Problem: I’m too small and weak to stop my car, kick your ass AND steal the mistletoe off your bike.

Here’s the Problem: Tila Tequila’s Engaged

Here’s the Problem:  Our favorite social butterfly (practicing my 2010 New Years Resolution of using euphamisms) Tila Tequila is going to tie the knot!  No, not her fallopean tubes (Christmas gift suggestion?), but for realsies getting hitched.  This morning she announced her engagement to Casey Johnson (of No Tears Shampoo fame).

Actual Problem:  It’s a 17 carat ring.  On Tila Tequila. That mixed up, publicity hungry, bisexual whore is wearing an African village’s years worth of food on her finger.  What? I’ve got 22 days till that resolution goes into effect.

Thanks Moye for this story.  I never would have known.  It’s good to have a friend who dedicates full days to “celebrity” twitter feeds.

Here’s The Problem: Kim Zolciak on Ellen

Here’s The Problem: In my on-going obsession with Housewife Kim Zolciak and her whack-tastic song, Tardy for the Party, I found this gem. I’m not sure what’s going on with her new wig – or with Kriss Kross jumping all around her…..what I DO know is that at minutes 1:23 and 1:48 Kim appears to be  trying to rid herself of a camel toe situation.

Actual Problem: I know ALL  the words to this monstrosity……

Here’s The Problem: Lindsay Lohan (Again)

really?

Here’s The Problem: It’s time for another problem about my Favorite problem – Lindsay Lohan. Muse Magazine (i know – i’ve never heard of it either) put her on the cover – with her boob hanging out and then has this lovely shot on the inside.

Actual Problem: This girl is still getting paid to be a hot holy mess. Who is her agent? SIGN ME UP.

Here’s The Problem: Hulk Hogan is Engaged

Yay! Hulk is dating the Double Mint Twins! Wait.....oh....oh my...

Here’s the Problem: Hulk Hogan is engaged to a lovely bleached blonde named….really who cares what her name is? Let’s call her Brooke 2.

Actual Problem: When your dad marries a chick who looks like your identical twin it’s time to call up Mackenzie Phillips and have a heart to heart.