Here’s The Problem: Megan Fox Got Married

Here’s The Problem: OK – do you guys remember a post by Li from awhile back where we had THIS conversation:

Lisa: I just put up a Megan Fox post – she doesn’t cook or put things in her mouth that have been touched by other things.

Kara: Well, this bitch is NEVER gonna get married – cause cooking and putting things you don’t want to in your mouth is like the BASIS of marriage.

Actual Problem: WE WERE WRONG. The dumbest biotch in town is hitched.

Here’s The Problem: Midnight Mysteries!

Here’s The Problem: When you are often wide awake from 2am to 6am – you get to watch A LOT of re-runs…and that’s when the questions start. Here are a few that REALLY bothered me last night…er, this morning?

1. On Family Matters – mid-way through the seasons – all of a sudden – Aunt Rachel is MISSING from the credits – and the show! Nobody says anything about it – and yet – her son- little Richie, maintains his residence at the Winslow’s! WHY?????????????? WHAT HAPPENED TO RACHEL?

2. When Rebecca Howe (that’s right baby – it all comes back to my girl. Kirstie!) loses her job as manager of Cheers but then somehow gets Sam to hire her on as a waitress – HOW does she continue to afford those snappy suits she wears to the bar everyday??????????????

3. WHY does George Lopez look EXACTLY like my dad?????????????

Actual Problem: Insomnia.

Here’s the Problem: Your New iPhone

Here’s the Problem:  People were lined up around city blocks yesterday, selling their children and keeping entertained by experimenting with various drugs waiting to pick up the new iPhone.   Reader Suzanne received an email from her friend saying she can’t hang out tonight – the night AFTER this modern day Blitzkrieg – because she has to go back with a voucher to pick up the phone.  I want to protect the name of this innocent, yes misguided, woman but allow me to paste a selection from the email,

I seriously had nightmares last night about waiting for the phone!

Actual Problem: This isn’t a fucking Tickle Me Elmo, or the swine flu vaccine.   If you’re having nightmares about picking up a phone,  you’re probably the kinda person that not many people want to call anyway.

**Thanks Suzanne!  Sorry to be so harsh on your friend – but seriously? Seriously?!

Here’s the Problem: Vienna and Jake (An Intern Hillary Post)

Here’s the problem: Vienna and Jake broke up (I know people, I was shocked too). And Vienna has not wasted any of her precious time telling her story to the media. She even managed to call Jake a “fame whore.” Classy.

Actual problem: Jakey boy may be a fame whore but you, Vienna are justa plain ole’ whore.

** Special thanks as always, to Intern Hillary, but also her super fun Momma, Patti, who came up with the actual problem.  It warms my heart when snarkiness runs in the family.

Here’s The Problem: Courtney Love: Behind the Music

Here’s The Problem: Mess and a Half you guys. Watch this. I can’t stop laughing or being SUPER confused.

Actual Problem: This f**king, trashy ass whore makes me want to stop swearing FOREVER, act lady-like and perhaps even get my tattoos removed…..and maybe stop saying things like “trashy ass whore”….maybe.

Here’s The (Non)Problem: Jersey Shore Twilight

Here’s The Problem: So, as my obsession with the Jersey Shore kids continues, so does my annoyance with the movie Twilight – so this video was like a little present sent down from the heavens just for me!

Actual Problem: Snooki is by FAR a better actress than Kristen Stewart.

Here’s the Problem: Tiny Kitten Ice Cream

Here’s the Problem:  The interweb is all a flutter about this commercial that features a “kitten” eating “ice cream” and wearing a hat.  I’m not putting hat in quotations because it is, in fact, a hat.

Actual Problem: A. That ice cream is obviously cat food.  Which I get for the point of making the commercial, and I’m not asking for anything different, but once I realize that it was ground up pig by-product, my taste for frozen milk confectioneries went away.  B. That kitten has really long legs, as depicted in the end of the commercial which means it’s going to be a rather full sized cat one day.  Full sized cats aren’t cute.  They signify being middle aged and single.  Also, Egyptians.

Actual Actual Problem:  I said I was going to drink on my flight tonight to put me to sleep, but I started a few hours early and now how will I ever make it to the airport with cat food on my mind and vodka in my stomach?!

Here’s the Problem: Jeremy London

Here’s the Problem: Jeremy London was kidnapped and forced to smoke crack for 12 hours!

Actual Problem: Jeremy London’s drug problem.  Nobody kidnaps someone and *
forces* them to do drugs.  Drugs are expensive (well, crack really isn’t, but relative to these people it is), and people with crack tend to be greedy with it.  I know this because the homeless people near my old apartment used to get into fights over who smoked up all the crack.  Point is, nobody is buying it, Jeremy London.

Actual Actual Problem:  I knew who Jeremy London was when I heard this because I watched 7th Heaven well into my teens.

**Written by my new blog crush, Lara.  If you like HTP, you’ll wet yourself over cLARAfications.

Here’s The Problem: Ryan Seacrest & Julianne Hough

Here’s The Problem: OMG how did I miss this? Seacrest is dating Julianne Hough? HOW? WHY? WHAT IS JULIANNE THINKING? The last person she dated was super cute Chuck Wicks – I thought things were gonna be ok for this girl! And now….

Actual Problem: Anyone who still believes that Seacreature is hetero. Julianne…..

Here’s The Problem: Every Rose Has It’s Thorn

what is going on here? really? can someone tell em?

Here’s The Problem: Miss Miley’s new album came out today (I’m trying to say album instead of CD so I sound more music savvy…) and I’ve been listening to it because I was horrified when I heard there is a cover of: Every Rose Has It’s Thorn (that’s a POISON song for those of you who don’t know your 80′s metal bands).

Actual Problem: I don’t hate it.