Here’s The Problem: We’ve come to the end of the line here folks. According to reports, Kara D. has been fired, Ellen has peaced out, Simon quit and NOW….J-Lo and Steven Tyler will be replacement judges???????????????? Really?
Actual Problem: Let it go FOX. You had a great run – but it’s done now. It’s time for Idol to end. When you have to drag Steven Tyler out of the coffin he’s been sleeping in…..do you think that’s a good sign?
SAME SONG! SAME SONG!
Here’s The Blast from the Past Problem: So, last night, as Lisa and I were driving home from the VERY swanky Hollywood premiere party we had made a cameo at – we were listening to some tunes. We turned up the volume and got excited for what we assumed was one of our favorite songs…..the beat was the same – the melody was the same – but just as we were about to scream: HEATWAVE! The Vandellas sang: QUICKSAND!
Actual Problem: Same song – different words! There could have been a whole record, using the same basic melody and hook, devoted to natural disasters! HEATWAVE! QUICKSAND! TYPHOON! EARTHQUAKE!
Here’s The Problem: Ok – so according to my main news source for SUPER important info. (US Weekly) – Betty White is getting her own clothing line…Lotsa hoodies with home girls 89 year old face on them. Interesting.
Actual Problem: I get that Betty is old and awesome – but so are these guys – and I wouldn’t put them on a mini-skirt.
Here’s the Problem: Sure the tabloids have been saying it for months, but a slightly more glossy tabloid is confirming it – Sandy is taking Jesse James back (as reported in this week’s Life & Style – Only $2.99!!). She’s doing it “for the children” of course. Cuz nothing is healthier for the development of a child than watching the forcing together of two parties who don’t respect each other or themselves.
Actual Problem: Well girl, you just lost us. Us and most of the American public. You join the ranks of Hillary Clinton, Tea Leoni and Monique as women who we can respect for their power, talent, and hairy legs, but not for their self esteem.
Here’s the Problem: Okay people listen up. Something suspicious just happened in the land of the D-list celebrities. And by “D,” I don’t mean unpopular, “D” is for dead. Simon Monjack’s (aka Mr. Brittany Murphy) causes of death were just released. According to the L.A. County Coroner he died of acute pneumonia and severe anemia. WAIT. Hold Up! What’s that you say? Those are the same causes of death that killed his wife Brittany Murphy just a few months prior? NO WAY!
Actual Problem: Come on people. I’m not dumb as a bag o’ dog shit. I’d be willing to bet any amount of money that it is a true rarity that a married couple have the same two fatal sicknesses at once within months of each other. I think this “coroner” has something to hide. I mean couldn’t he come up with a different cause of death if he was going to be lying anyways? He’s obviously not that smart.
Here’s the Problem: It was all over before it began for Tiger Woods’ most noticeable mistress. The spot Donald Trump was holding for smart lady Rachel Uchitel (also known as whore bitch Rachel Uchitel), was taken away when Rachel accepted a position on the next season of Celebrity Rehab. It’s amazing how many people are perfect for both shows.
Actual Problem: The only addiction I can tell this floozy has is to fame and that’s not something Dr. Drew can fix.
Here’s the Problem: Alicia Keys is trying like hell to make an honest man out of Swizz Beatz. If you aren’t up on your urban gossip like we are, here’s the deal – Swizz started an affair with Keys in 2008, while still married to the one and only Mashonda. He eventually left Mashonda for Keys and the two announced Keys’ pregnancy earlier this year. Keys and Swizz got engaged in May and now Keys is pushing for a shotgun wedding this summer. Exhausting.
Actual Problem: We get it, Alicia! You’re not a lesbian! You didn’t need to knock yourself up and rush a wedding on a guy with 3 kids with 3 mommas. You coulda just woken up topless at a frat house one morning. I hear that works just as well.
Listen, I still wish them all the best, so you can keep your hate comments to yourselves.
Here’s The Problem: TMZ is reporting that Lindsay will only be allowed to shower every OTHER day while she is in jail.
Actual Problem: Why does this matter? Does this look like a person who cares about personal hygiene while she is not incarcerated?
Here’s the Problem: Spencer Pratt has finally come clean with the real reason for the split with his plastic other half. Pratt told People Mag,
We love each other but I’m a famewhore and I’ll never grow out of it.
If those heartfelt words weren’t enough for him to climb up the fame ladder, he also says,
I want every kind of press. She believes in bad press. There’s no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully.
Wow. What a load of class. And people wonder why he’s single?
Actual Problem: Spencer, just because you talk about how famous you are doesn’t mean it is actually true. This is just like Lindsay saying over and over that she is totally clean and Kirstie Alley saying that she will diet again and it will work this time (I know how much we love Kirstie here but this was a really good comparison). Sorry to burst your flesh colored bearded bubble, but you will never be famous.
Guess what? Today is a SPECIAL DAY – because:
1. Li has a “lady doctor” appointment (coincidentally, we share a lady doctor….too much info? NO – not ENOUGH info?? Well – you’re in luck cause:)
2. We are launching our “spin-off” site this morning!!!
The Real HTP: The Secret Lives of the HTP Girls