Here’s the Problem: Rihanna & Chris Are Over It – Are You?

Here’s the Problem:  Rihanna and Chris Brown took to the most important media service of them all (twitter, duh) to tell people to get over what happened between them last year. Here’s some convo between Rihanna and a very lucky fan.

greenangeleyez1 wrote:
@rihanna I luv u bt it’s time u stopped talking about the situation with chris in interviews.How r people gonna move on?

rihanna replied:
@greenangeleyez1 AGREED! People won’t stop askin abt it! Its fuckin annoying! Nobody wants to relive that, but some ppl can’t respect that!

Actual Problem:  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.  You don’t get to  release a hit song based on your very publicized traumatic event and then ask people to pay for the music and ignore the motivation behind it because you’ve moved on.  Listen, I peed my pants in Mrs. Murray’s class in 1st grade and I understand that people are still talking about it.  That’s the price of fame.  And too many juice boxes.

Here’s the Problem: No More Kardashian Kredit Kard

Here’s the Problem:  Due to some possible ethical issues the Kardashian debit card is off the market.  Apparently there are illegal hidden fees all over the place.

Actual Problem:  If the Kardashians can’t make plastic work, who can?

Here’s the Problem: Personal Problem Tuesday! (By Anonymous Guest Blogger)

Here’s the Problem: I’m** possibly starting to maybe see someone casually who works in the movie industry which means his access to swag is pretty good.  Now, I always say,  “I’ll do anything for my friends” and another one of my favorite sayings is “I’ll try anything twice!”  But having sex with someone just so a friend can get a free DVD and save $20…I don’t know I just don’t think I’m ready to take that plunge.

Actual Problem: If it makes me a prostitute I’d do it (but only like a high class one like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”.  I love that movie and I would totally be a guy’s escort if he put me up at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, bought me jewelry and hired the hotel concierge (Hector Elizondo) to teach me how to be a classy lady). I’m just hoping it’s not going to be a big mistake.  Huge.

Actual Problem (and advice from the HTP girls): Buy your friend the fucking DVD.  Maybe you can find a coupon for your dignity.

**Henceforth all mentions of the first person refer to to the writer – the anonymous guest writer.  Not Lisa or Kara.  Get it?

If you have a problem that needs sharing (or maybe some solving) send it! No refunds on any bad advice.   xoxo

Here’s the Problem: Franco/Hathaway Oscar Bomb

 

Here’s the Problem:  It was confirmed today that Anne Hathaway and James Franco will host next year’s Oscars.  Apparently they are the future of Hollywood and we should celebrate this by having them ruin one of our biggest nights.  It’s not that they are terrible people, but they’re both just funny enough to be on SNL (and that’s not saying much). You want someone sock-knocking to take this job.

Actual Problem:  I’m pretty sure you can’t host and win.

Here are a list of movies that won’t be nominated this year:

Love and Other Drugs

Alice in Wonderland

Valentine’s Day

127 Hours

Eat Pray Love

Actual Actual Problem:  This list is despite these fools hosting.

Here’s the Problem: Sally Field, Q&A’s and FSE

Here’s the Problem:  I’m usually good at distinguishing what funny parts of conversations would make good blog posts and what are just “you have to be there” moments, but over the weekend when a friend said, “How come Sally Field gets to pedal Boniva and Jamie Lee Curtis just gets poop yogurt?” I wrote it down because I really thought there was something there.

I came into work this morning, looked at all my emails to myself with the subject “htp” and did some research on Sally and Boniva and found this.   This “article” is a problem.

A. (let’s get the superficial out of the way) That man’s photo – specifically his hairline and tie.

B. The first line to his answer of the first question is irrelevant to all parties involved.

C. His answer to the second question is completely worthless.

I can only assume that these are the only two questions he received this week because they’re both stupid.  Man from question 1 watches too much TV and is paying attention to the wrong parts.  Man/boy from question 2 obviously has a problem with direction as proven by going to RPI for marketing and asking Fucking Stuart Elliot for job advice. Speaking of Fucking Stuart Elliot (who will henceforth be known as FSE, and yes, he will appear in future blog posts), he

A. Doesn’t have a wikipedia page and thus should not exist on the pages of the New York Times.

B. Lists the following as hobbies in his NYT bio: politics, popular culture, American history and nostalgia, especially old advertising.

Those aren’t hobbies FSE! They may be interests (and incredibly dry ones at that), but you aren’t actively DOING any of those things.  Especially old advertising.

Actual Problem:  Jamie Lee Curtis just gets to sell poop yogurt.

Here’s the Problem: Bridalplasty

Here’s the Problem: Who caught E!’s new hit show last night, Bridalplasty?  You know, the competition elimination show where brides-to-be compete to go back in time and be on The Swan.  None of you?  Really?  Who knew we had so many self respecting readers who found better use of their time?!

Actual Problem: It’s uhh… actually… ummm… I’ll just say it.  It’s good.  Not like, 5 Gays 1 Girl good, but certainly at least Conveyor Belt of Love good.   I cried at one point and not because my soul was aching for the lack of self-esteem these women had (or the fact that E! found so many girls with daddy issues and big noses that could still find men to marry them), but because there was actually a very touching moment with a uniformed soldier who came to see his fiance.

Actual Actual Problem:  Host Shanna Moakler.  Not like I expected more from her, or hoped she had higher standards.   I just don’t want to see her face so much.  Maybe all the brides-to-be can chip in and get her some PS for the finale.  That’s a twist I’ll stick around for.

Here’s the Problem: Unfestive Parade Balloons

Here’s the Problem:  Watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade yesterday and there were a number of giant balloons floating down 5th Ave that showed no sign of the season.  How hard is it to put a Santa Hat on, Kermie?

Actual Problem:  The lack of forethought.  It’s not like, “oh, it would be so expensive to put a wreathe around Garfield’s neck because then we’d have to redo the whole balloon for the Arbor Day Parade”.  No!  There is one parade a year – make it worth my fucking time.

**Special Thanks to Michael Kutach for alerting a group whose bellies were more full of champagne than turkey that there is a REASON FOR THIS SEASON.  And that reason is being themed out and festive and gay.  In all senses of the word.

Here’s the Problem: The Beibs Gets Real

Here’s the Problem: Justin Beiber is the latest celebrity to create an “It Gets Better” video.  Cuz, ya know that’s just what a kid who is grappling with ignorance-based bullying needs – advice from a 16-year-old superstar who was plucked from youtube and can’t spell his last name.

Actual Problem:  Life gets better Baby Beibs?  Really? Tell me what exactly are you basing this on.   Being allowed to cross the street by yourself? Staying up past 10? Getting a record contract that could buy your momma a new house and a college tuition you’ll never use?  Please.  A kid shot you in the face playing laser tag – you’re not the victim of bullying.   Unless you want to be…  Bring it.

Here’s the Problem: The Tonsillectomy Diet

Here’s the Problem: Kara, who is the size of Thumbelina, sent me an email yesterday noting my sudden weight loss.  The subject (and body) of the email read:

YOU’RE SO SKINNY!!

Now, I’m usually the size of Thumbelina’s normal-sized grandmother who is bloated from eating too many pistachios, so an email like this from Mini Me means a lot.

I could just take the compliment and continue with my newly found thindom, but that wouldn’t be fair to all our wonderful readers who could also stand to lose 10 lbs right before the holiday.  In the spirit of giving (and anoerexia) I present to you,

The Tonsillectomy Diet

First, get your tonsils out.

Second, eat only ice chips for 5 days.

Third, when you start to feel like you need food slowly transition to the following daily routine:

9:00 am:  Eat half an ice pop.

9:30 am: Take intense pain medication that makes your stomach reject ice pop.

10:00 am – 4:00 pm: Satiate your appetite solely with daytime TV in the morning. If you’re still hungry, look at this.

4:00 pm: Eat a “meal” (ie. half cup of chicken broth).

4:30 pm: Take more pain medication and reject chicken broth.

Go to sleep before you start to get hungry again.

Repeat.

Actual Problem: Thanksgiving – they don’t make turkey flavored ice pops.

Here’s the Problem: Kara’s “Work” Station

Here’s the Problem:  The above is a photo of Kara desktop tower completely exposed since the side panel has fallen off.  She’s tried to fix it herself, but she’s only a girl.

Actual Problem:

Dear IT,

Please fix this.  It’s a hazard to… someone.  Probably Kara.

Also, feel free to admit that you read this blog and don’t bust us for spending more time on WordPress than any Outlook application.

Love,

HTP