Ew - sea pig
Here’s the Problem: First off, here’s a problem – work is busy. Probably too busy for me to be putzing around on this site, but have you ever noticed how it’s easier to do a million things when you’re busy than to do one thing when you’re not? Deep. Anyway, work’s def too busy for me to copy stories from celeb sites that actual break news, so all I got in the way of problems are me talking to people that I shouldn’t be talking to because WORK IS FUCKING BUSY. Anyway…
Actual Problem: Here’s my last conversation with my bff, Logan. She’s the only one who really gets me. But who gives a shit about being understood when you can broadcast your conversations to everyone in the world and have them not laugh? OMG. I’m busy! What else do you want from me? Entertainment? Fine – go here instead.
me: i’ve been reading these two blogs for about a year now
and this one
maybe i don’t read daily
or that carefully
but there are two bloggers
one who is named halle kiefer
and one who writes about her boyfriend kiefer all the time
i just assumed
halle keifer was this chick’s bf
cuz it’s a she
they’re both she’s
they probably don’t even know each other
but in my head in my world
in my world head
i read the posts back to back and think
they love each other
(even if keifer mentions nothing about the thoughts appear chick)
i love you
Here’s The Problem: Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are dating. This is gross. This is a HUGE problem. He is 50.
50!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like Sally O’Malley!
When you are 27 years old and you have been married to a super hot guy with a super hot body and a non saggy (hopefully), non shriveled set of balls – WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY would you throw it all away for a dude who is old enough to be your dad???
Actual Problem: Lisa has brought it to my attention that this man is so old he was on Little House on the Prairie. If you’re old enough to have been on the prairie you are too old to be porking someone who has only now discovered the show on Hallmark channel.
Here’s The Problem: YOU GUYS. Last night – I saw her – L I V E. I was in the room – at Dancing with the Stars! Holly Madison was there and Vanessa L. Williams, and Florence Henderson and Hank Basket and I didn’t even bat an eye. I focused only on the Sleeping Beauty Princess that was KIRSTIE.
Actual Problem: Her quick step was over TOO quickly.
Here’s the Problem: After going into fake labor on Sunday, Mariah Carey painted this monstrosity on her belly. I don’t think her fetuses (feti?) have judgement yet, but don’t worry, I’m embarressed enough for them.
Actual Problem: This is only slightly better than the time she did this -
At least it’s more believable.
Here’s the Problem: Because Elizabeth Taylor didn’t die today, the Today Show had time on their program do report other “news”. My favorite of the day was this story about a man who got trapped in the snow when he snowboarded into a tree. (You can watch the whole story here, which includes POV video of him crashing into the tree). My favorite part is when he gets his wife on the phone to call for help and all she can say is “Are you serious?” Repeatedly.
Actual Problem: And this is why you don’t joke about being buried alive when you’re not buried alive. This is why if you’re caught under something in garage you do your darndest to get out of it yourself before yelling to your wife that you’re going to die. This is why when you marry a woman you let her know ahead of time, “I’m a fucking wuss and some day I’m going to cry to you over the phone while stuck under some snow because I’ll be trying to recapture the youth I gave up by marrying you, so please, take me seriously.” Because some day, you might actually be in danger and that woman will not get it.
Here’s the Problem: Harry Coover, the inventor of super glue, passed away this weekend at the age of 94. You could say he really stuck it out.
Actual Problem: I love puns!!!
Here’s the Problem: Resident “Teen Mom” trainwreck Jenelle Evans is back together with her equally fucked up boyfriend, Kiefer, and is continuing to completely abandon her super adorable son, Jace. These two have had the ideal relationship filled with being homeless, unemployed, and getting arrested for pot possession. I smell a “World’s Greatest Mom” award in her future!
Actual Problem: I would be more than happy to take this adorable baby in and call him my own! Although I am at college and there’s always tons of booze and other illegal things around, he would be in much better hands living under my bed than having this crazy bitch as his mom.
Here’s the Problem: Elizabeth Taylor was laid to rest yesterday but not after her last publicity stunt. Taylor, per a provision in her will, showed up to her service 15 minutes “fashionably” late.
Actual Problem: How fucking fantastic is that? It got me thinking about what I should include in my last will and testament. Here goes -
I don’t want any kids at my funeral. At least not any who aren’t going to be appropriately sad. And by appropriately sad, I want them to be crying, but not cute crying because I don’t want it to be this situation where people are like, “wasn’t little Bobby just so adorable at Lisa’s funeral?” And also not sloppy crying. No one else gets pity because they’re said that I died. Fuck that. It’s my funeral. Don’t steal my thunder Bobby. Stay home.
Here’s The Problem: George and Kirstie and in a HUGE fight. Fat Joke style. I’m really torn here. As you know – Kirstie is my dream mom and George Lopez is kinda my dream dad because he is twins with my real dad…..but when Dad calls Mom a pig there are no winners.
Actual Problem: It’s always the kids who suffer.