Here’s The Problem: Introducing the BEST flower girl in the history of weddings. This child was DONE. She was done with her dress, done with her flowered head piece and she was REALLY done with all the noise. This little frown will go down in history.
Actual Problem: Millions of people! Kid – you’ve got all the time in the world to be grumpy. Buck up for a few hours while the entire world is watching you.
Here’s The Problem: I did not watch the Royal Wedding last night but my pal Amy Klein did and now I am being regaled with tales from the wedding of the century. So I go online to check out this dress I’ve been hearing about and you know what….
Actual Problem: I almost cried when I saw this picture. It’s so pretty…I’m such a sap. Maybe I’ll consider a veil if I ever get married….
Here’s The Problem:
Dad: I was hoping that they would vote fatty off Dancing with the Stars but they did not.
Kara: DAD. SHE IS GOING TO WIN!
Kara: I’ll bet you $25
Dad: Ok smarty pants, $25. You have fatty to win and I have everyone else.
Actual Problem: One more fall or lost shoe and I’m SCREWED. Everyone vote for my girl!!!!!
Here’s the Problem: My girl Snooks is looking HOT HOT HOT.
Actual Problem: Being envious of someone who has been arrested for public intoxication.
Here’s The Problem: I am SO over the Royal Wedding. I’ve had it. First of all, I cannot watch another special on TLC about this. I also cannot see one more magazine article asking how Kate should wear her hair or what dress will win out in the end? I do not want to hear Elton John’s wishes for the couple or speculate about terrorist attacks on the day of the nuptials. I do not need to know 25 things about Pippa Middleton (though I may have found a good pet name if I ever purchase a dog) and I most certainly will NOT set my alarm to wake up in the middle of the night to watch this shit live.
Actual Problem: Even Helen Mirren can’t stand this hoopla: “I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think people getting married should be a private thing. I hope [Prince William and Kate Middleton] will also do an absolutely private wedding just for them.”
Here’s The Problem: In my dream world, where Kirstie Alley is my mom, Stevie Nicks is my favorite aunt. I’ve loved her since I was 13. And Rod – well who doesn’t love Rod??? I saw them at the Holywood Bowl on Saturday……..and what I’m about to say saddens me…..they’re old.
Words were forgotten, Stevie moved slow, Rod looked 90 and I realized that if they were aging….so was I.
Actual Problem: Discovering that the picture of the 5 moth old baby that Rod showed us was not his grandson….
Here’s The Problem: Since Easter is coming up this weekend I thought I’d give a shout out to a character that really gets no credit. The Easter Bunny. Santa Claus gets everything – all the accolades, songs, people dressing up like him and standing on corners ringing bells but what does the bunny get? Not too much. And why not? So, Santa delivers gifts all around the world in one night – so what??? The Easter Bunny brings tasty treats and goodies to all the boys and girls in one night TOO! AND he has no help – aka no SLEIGH to carry his shit and no flying REINDEER to zoom him around town. NO, The Easter Bunny does it all alone – and for this I say – GOOD JOB.
Actual Problem: If I really want to get into it – the Tooth Fairy has REALLY got it bad…..
Here’s the Problem: 94-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor (who, by the way only has one leg now) is looking to get knocked up… sorta. Her publicity whore of a husband is throwing a ton of money at the problem of elderly infertility and with the help of an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate plans on making Gabor a momma again. Gabor’s only child, a daughter, Francesca Hilton said it best,
“That’s just weird.”
Actual Problem: What do you get when you combine an old lady with literally one foot in the grave with an egg donor and a surrogate? SOMEONE ELSE’S BABY.
Here’s the Problem: So you guys – you know how much I DESPISE the upcoming royal wedding. I’m not a big fan of the royals, Will is balding, and as the Lifetime movie will portray, their relationship is no better than two whatever Taylor Swift’s next song is about. However, my cubemate is OBSESSED with the Kate Middleton Jelly Bean. She’s practically asked our entire office for donations so she can be apart of the big auction. So I figured I’d dedicate a post to it.
Actual Problem: I fucking hate this wedding. And just when you think nothing could make me hate it more… Kate Middleton Jelly Bean????? Seriously???? Get me a Bob Saget donut and I’ll give you a million dollars. Otherwise, keep your look-alike confectioneries to yourself.
Here’s the Problem: Mariah Carey is on this week’s covers of both Life & Style and OK magazines and on both covers she pregnant and naked. From L&S,
My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.
Actual Problem: That’s what fan club newsletters are for Mimi! Being on the cover of 2 magazines does not only reach your “true fans,” but also your fair-weathered fans, your former fans who only liked you when you were semi-sane and relevant, and people like me – non-fans who only want to make fun of the fact that now you’re fat.