Here’s the Problem: My Fair Brady No Longer

Here’s the Problem:  After 5 years of boob exposing and tattoo removing, Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight have announced their plans to divorce.  This isn’t shocking me to my core, or making me rethink the value of love – I mean, hell – they met on the Surreal Life.  But what Adrianne said recently about marriage has got me thinking,

 It’s my belief that men and women aren’t really designed to be with each other, but since this is purgatory we can’t live without them. So this is our punishment for whatever it is we did… It’s a lot of work and dedication and time. So don’t do it unless you’re willing to go the distance. That’s why a lot of people get divorced after a few years.

Actual Problem:  Damn girl!  For a sexually confused model, this is some deep shit.   I would pre-order a copy of  ”The Tao of Adrianne Curry”.

Here’s the Problem: Snooki Puts(a) 2(a) Italian Cops(a) in Emergency Room(a)

Here’s the Problem: She’s at it again.  The most lovable Snookster in all the land has just done it again.  No – not gotten into legal trouble (which she has), and no, not being a drunken mess (which she is).  What our pumpkin ball should be applauded for doing again is driving up ratings for the new season of Jersey Shore before filming is even done.  By crashing into a cop car while shooting the new season in Italy and landing the two coppers in the ER (don’t worry, they’re(a) fine(a)  - don’t you love my Italian accent?) she is drumming up viewers even before we know the premiere date.  Well done Snooks – you’re a marketing genius.

Actual Problem:  What’s that?  This isn’t a publicity ploy?  She’s actually that stupid?  Oh… nevermind.  Compliment revoked.  Thanks for giving the states (and particularly mine) a  bad name.

Here’s the Problem: The Genderless Baby

Here’s the Problem:  The morning shows and talk shows and (excuse me while I vom) “blogosphere” is all abuzz about Storm – the Canadian baby whose parents are refusing to acknowledge its sex.  At 4 months old, only 6 people (parents, brother, sister, and the midwives who delivered it) know if Storm will like dolls or trucks.   Everyone’s in a huff about the roles of gender in society, the responsibility on the toddler siblings to keep this secret and the moment in time when this child (who, let’s just say it, looks like a boy) notices his peen and wants to give it a name.  Probably a boy’s name.

Actual Problem:   I feel like a monster calling this child “it”.  Yeah, it has a name, but we live in a world of pronouns and I feel like I’m referring to a dog or a mutant everytime I say it.  Even worse, the poor grandparents of this baby probably want nothing more than to put it in a dress or camo overalls and can’t because it’s an IT!

Actual Actual Problem:   Skipping the parenting phase and going straight from relating to 14 year old girls to grandparents.  Shoot me.

Here’s the Problem: Sap, Long Form

Here’s the Problem:  Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.  It’s been nearly 2 weeks since my last post.  18 days since I’ve said mean things about celebrities I haven’t met, 12 days since I’ve hated on commercials for products I’ll never buy, 3 days since I’ve ignored emails from friends I’m annoyed with.  What’s the damage?  Three Perez Hiltons and a Celebitchy?

I can give you excuses for my absence (and I will if you so much as ask – no one plans a pity party like this bitch).  But the truth is, I really just need to apologize to myself.  I watched the series finale of Oprah yesterday and if there is one thing I learned from her commencement speech, it’s this – the writing of stupid quips about fame whores and poorly-made reality shows is my passion.   Even more than sneaking Kit Kats from the kitchen.  Even more than writing other people’s online dating profiles.  This – this blog – is my calling, and I am sad to have left it unanswered lately.

Actual Problem:  But seriously – what is up with Stedman?   What a very odd man stuck in such a very odd relationship.   I refuse to believe anything about him being gay, and I don’t think he’s using her for her money or fame (and if he is, he’s doing it all wrong). What has to happen in your childhood to make you become the kind of person who is satisfied living in the background of someone else’s movie?

Here’s The Problem: The Dodgers (special guest blogger – Kelsey!)

Hello, HTP! My name’s Kelsey, and I’m Kara’s Mexican sister. On behalf of my race and people who care about sports, I’d like to guest blog about Los Angeles’ own struggling MLB team (and I don’t mean the Angels, who are clearly from ANAHEIM):
Here’s The Problem: Los Doyers.

I could whine about the McCourts, the usual scapegoat for the less-than-impressive 21-27 record we’ve got going on. After all, poor management takes its toll on any team. Not to mention that with a tighter budget, the Dodgers aren’t exactly buying the “it” boys. We may have Kershaw with his chiseled jaw, Rihanna’s ex-boyfriend who we all love to hate on, and Andre Ethier (who’s been a bit angrier than usual, YouTube him flipping off the camera), but aside from that, we’re kind of blah.

HOWEVER, we have a crazy big fan base (including some psychotic people, but still) that should be able to motivate us to perform a little better.

Just a little!

But alas, the Dodgers are jogging at half-speed, popping the dreams of L.A.kids, angering my dad every time he watches ESPN, and inflating the egos of that black-and-orange team we’d all like to spit on.

Get it together, boys. We’re from L.A. That means we’re supposed to be good at sports.

Actual Problem: Our stadium is hella ghetto.

Here’s The Problem: Beauty and the Beast Ad

Here’s The Problem: Disney has released another slew of ads featuring celebrities as Disney characters. Splendid. I usually feel really good about this. I like a good princess picture…anyhow, this particular ad threw me because I’m not sure what to make of it.

Actual Problem: When the beast turns into a man he is supposed to look less…well, like a beast!

Here’s The Problem: The End of the World

Here’s The Problem: My sister has just informed me that the end of the world is near. VERY NEAR. Like, May 21^st, 2011 near.

According to cockamamie reports, an earthquake will be shaking us all to death on Saturday. Which totally irks me cause I have a mani-pedi to go to and all that shaking is gonna mess things up.

Actual Problem: “….the head of the Christian radio network Family Stations Inc says he is sure an earthquake will shake the Earth on May 21, sweeping true believers to heaven and leaving others behind to be engulfed in the world’s destruction over a few months.”  I’m screwed.

Here’s the Problem: Spoiler Alert!: Love is All You Need?

Here’s the Problem:  I may or may not have just come back from a fantastic movie (don’t want to ruin it for anyone else).  And as I (may or may not have) exited the theater I felt satisfied.  Relieved.  Happy.  Why?  Because the main character found “love”.  And while in the meantime she may be homeless and jobless and friendless, we are conditioned to believe that as long as she’s found love – or at least a nice man to spend some time with – she is complete.

I cry bullshit.  Since when does meeting a boy mean that the rest of your problems go away?  I can’t remember the last time I, or a friend of mine, started dating someone and no additional stress arose from it.    It’s absurd to think that a new man in your life will override your debt, calm your workplace woes, make the relationship with your parents finally work.  And yet we believe that our leading lady can take a sigh of relief now that she’s finally met a really swell dude.

Listen, if you’re looking for what the power of love can provide, don’t look here.  The last time I was in love I spent 4 years crying into a fold of my own fat wishing that tissues were marshmallows.  But I do know what love cannot provide.  Particularly a roof over your head and a paycheck (and if it does, that isn’t love, that’s prostitution).  I, just like every other girl in that theater, would have been unsatisfied if the final scene lead our girl into a her very own cubicle instead of a charming man’s arms.   But what does that say?  That we think resolution can only come in the form of a romantic companion?  Yes.  It does.  How sad.

Actual Problem: Fuckin spoiler alert.  I’m sorry.  But tell me, if all we need is love, I’d like to know.  I’d like to stop spending my nights with friends and my money on making my apartment look nice, and my days busting my ass at work.  If all I need is a fellow to solve all my problems then sign me up for match.com and find me a profile photo that accentuates my jaw line.  But if I’m right, and there’s life beyond puppy love, then stop making movies that say otherwise.

Here’s The Problem: Pippa Goes Topless

Here’s The Problem: Pippa Middleton decided it was a good idea to go topless on a recent boating adventure. Enter the paparazzi.

Actual Problem: When your sister is the future Queen of England – keep your top on.

Here’s the Problem: Cee-Lo The Last Dinosaur

Here’s the Problem:  Cee Lo has really short arms and looks like a T-Rex and I think it’s cruel and unusual punishment to make him have to push that button to turn his chair around on The Voice.

Actual Problem: It might just be a visual illusion on account of his large stomach.  Scientific research is being done.  I’ll keep you posted on any findings.