Here’s the Problem: Reggie Bush is dating the girl who looks like Kim Kardashian in that Old Navy commercial from a while back. (Click that link at your own risk, I just wasted 5 minutes on that song. So catchy! God, I have bad taste in music).
Actual Problem: Homeboy likes hairy olive-skinned brunettes with smiles that make their nose get stretchy. He can have ‘em. I just think he could probably do a little bit better than the girl from the Old Navy commercial. I mean, that chick probably can’t even afford to x-ray her butt for entertainment purposes.
***Special Thanks to Amy Graves for inspiring this post and being a proactive reader. Amy wants to be on this season of MADE. Who can make that happen for her?
Here’s the Problem: Hugh Hefner got his heart broken and stomped on 2 weeks ago. Since then here’s how he’s dealt: Tear… tear… re-work Lifetime wedding special to be about him being jilted… change diaper…pick up photo submissions for playmate of the month and pick one… announce to the media that she’s your new girlfriend…tear.
Actual Problem: Welcome Shera Bechard! The newest contestant on “Who Will He Bang Last Before He Dies”. Good luck girl!
Here’s the Problem: Where are we? Where are WE?! How about you take a look in the mirror readers – Where. Are. You?
You used to send problems and comments and snarky emails about wanting to marry us, and you’ve dropped off the face. We are begging you – come back.
Actual Problem: Kara’s in an oddly kind and helpful mood (don’t worry, I’m working on fixing that) and I’m a shit storm of who-cares-itude and we need you to motivate and inspire. Until then, I’m going to fill this blog with information even more worthless than it used to be.
Here’s the Problem: Ryan Dunn of Jackass fame passed away early this morning in a car accident. The whole situation is a bit messy because hours before the crash (in which it was confirmed Dunn was driving) Ryan posted a photo on Twitter of him and his friends drinking booze. That fact shouldn’t make losing him any less sad – it’s totally a bummer when anyone dies no matter what the cause or level of fame. But the interweb (and probably your office) is buzzing that maybe this dude had it coming. I mean, not just because he put a lot of foreign objects up his butt and left them there, but because he was drinking before he drove.
Actual Problem: I’m sure a toxicology report will come out and either prove everyone right or wrong as to who’s at fault for the death of Dunn and another passenger of the car, but I think we can all learn something from this incident – DON’T POST PICTURES OF YOU DRINKING! Not like, ever, cause really who whips out their camera when they’re not wasted? But here’s a list of times NOT to post photos of you with a drink in your hand. PRINT THIS OUT.
- When you are taking a “sick day” from work
- When you should be at a family function
- When you have a paper due the next day that you’re going to ask for an extension on
- The day before a big interview (your boss is going to google you)
- The day before a first date
- Right before you’re going to drive like an idiot in the backwoods of some small town
- Right before you’re going to drive ANYWHERE
Here’s the Problem: There was a time I thought the only thing the world needed was love, sweet love. According to our third grade chorus performance, it’s the only thing that there’s just too little of. But recently I’ve begun to realize it’s heroes and role models that we need more of, and ladies and gentlemen, I have found one.
I know what you’re thinking – we shouldn’t idolize a woman made of more than 75% non-biodegradable materials. Fair. But listen to this: Not so long ago Heidi was a whopping 130 lbs. No, I’m not kidding. That is a 3-digit number. But now she’s back to her regular weight after spending 2 months exercising 14 hours a day. According to an interview with US Weekly,
I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape.
Actual Problem: Listen, I’m just as in awe as you are. I mean, I can barely find the time for a 45 minute spinning class each day. But… I guess that’s because I have a job. I also get a regular paycheck for honest work with which I use to buy food and drinks and do activities that keep me from doing crunches for more than half the day. I guess we all make choices…
Here’s the Problem: Our new Miss USA was crowned last night - Alyssa Campanella from Sherman Oaks, California. Campenlla was formerly Miss Teen New Jersey – proving my point that Jersey girls make the best Californians.
Actual Problem: Pretty people are so much better than everyone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s the Problem: Jaleel White (aka Steve Urkel… er… Stephan Urquell) is back! He’s directing a movie that he wrote years ago and it’s Humble Brag Press Time! (aka, I’ll tell you things about my past if you ask at least one question about my future). I’ve never put Jaleel up on some “what a good guy!” pedestal, but I do still picture him as a sweet awkward teenager just getting by, so when he mentions the “shitload of money” he’s made, or not so eloquently slips in that he lives by some body of water, I’m a little disheartened. Actual Problem: My favorite line of all,
In later seasons you were getting quite tall.
I was getting network notes on the bulge of my sack!
Ummm… that wasn’t the question. And that certainly should NOT have been the answer.
Here’s the Problem: Really, the problem is my fascination with this story, but for the time being, let’s concentrate on the ET interview that my favorite Jilter, Crystal Harris did last night. Firstly, I don’t watch a lot of ET, but do they do all their interviews in the equipment closet? Secondly, watching this girl try to cry through all that botox is hilarious.
Actual Problem: I’m not so secretly hoping she calls off another marriage soon. I could watch this clip a million times over.
Here’s the Problem: Poor Hef. Poor old Hef. Poor old, shriveled-ball Hef. The latest love of his life, 25-year-old Crystal Harris, called off their wedding yesterday – just days before the big day. Apparently, Harris was hoping to get $500,000 to actually ditch him at the alter, but the bids just weren’t coming in. It’s almost like we live in the Garden of Eden when no one’s willing to pay half a mil to watch a gold digging whore break your grandpa’s heart.
Actual Problem: Crystal Harris – you’re an idiot. Have you noticed that this geezer is 84 years old? If you were only in it for the cash, all you needed to do is stick around for a few months and switch out his blood pressure meds for baby aspirin. But if you were in it for the possibility of being outed as a Class A bitch wad, congrats.
***For all of us initially invited to the nuptial ceremony this weekend, it will be replaced with a screening of Julia Roberts “Runaway Bride” at the mansion. See y’all there!***
Here’s the Problem: The Olsen twins are BACK! Sorta… I mean, neither of them seem to have any acting gigs scheduled, I haven’t heard anything about a new hit single dropping anytime soon, and they don’t and they don’t even sell their fragrance at Walmart anymore. BUT these girls are making the rounds. This weekend, both were spotted with new Hollywood beaus - Ashley with Justin Timberlake and Mary Kate with Kanye West.
Actual Problem: Wha wah what???? I thought troll dolls went out of fashion in the 90s!