Here’s The Problem: A wise (and cynical) man once said to me “Life is not a romantic comedy”. No words ring more true in the case of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. In the aftermath of their recent divorce, Kris is channeling his frustration with life by saying some, well, not nice things about his former Mrs…….my favorite jab is that he has called her “fat ass”. As a Kardashian supporter I cannot let this slide.
Actual Problem: I really want to do a take on “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” here but my choices are limited…here’s a few – you pick your favorite:
Don’t slap the ass that made you famous.
Don’t dis the hump that used to hump you, Humphires.
Don’t kick the ass that kicked you to the curb.
God, I was wrong – there are a ton of options…I could do this all day!
Here’s The Problem: Look. For all you crazy loons who are in love with this vampire fest – I’m about to spoil some shit for you. Do you hear me?
SO. I saw this film…mostly cause my Dad paid and I have nothing better to do with my time than hang out with elderly people. That said, let’s talk about this….so Bella…has CHOSEN to marry & f**k a VAMPIRE. Then, she becomes pregnant with his demon spawn….then she will not allow the Vampire Doctor to perform Plan A on her….so she sits around looking like shit while the demon baby sucks the life outta her…meanwhile, this other stupid kid (tons of dopes in this movie) who doubles as a wolf – is still crazy in love with her and just HANGS around the house full of vamps feeling sorry for himself???
Actual Problem: This is the worst form of masochism I have ever encountered!!! People should not let their little girls read/watch this shit! It’s insane! It’s nuts!!! ….yeah, so, I cried during the Vampire wedding and I felt like her dress was so gorgeous I couldn’t stand it – but STILL – it’s INSANE!!!!!! NUTS!!!!!!
Here’s The Problem: Last night I tuned into the AMA’s for 3.5 seconds and saw a band….who calls themselves The Band Perry (we KNOW you’re a band….Christ Almighty….do I call myself “The Girl Kara”?) singing a song called “If I Die Young”. Let’s look at some of the lyrics – shall we?
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
UGH – what’s happening here? What’s up Emo? Sink you in the river? GLADLY.
And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand,
There’s a boy here in town who says he’ll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
OY.OY. Even worse. Now her body is decaying and she dies a virgin?
I HATE THIS SONG.
Actual Problem: This is a HIT? This is a song so great that it was preformed at an Awards show? Why not write a song about getting syphilis? Or suicide? Or maybe dead puppies? People are depressed enough as it is without having to hear some warbler belt out a bunch of malarkey about the beauty of death. Death sucks. Get with it.
Here’s The Problem: Have I ever told you guys that I’m obsessed with Natalie Wood? What’s that youngins? You don’t know who Natalie Wood is? Oh dear…well, for those of you who do – she died in a VERY mysterious situation involving a boat, her husband (Robert Wagner), and Christopher Walken (who it was rumored, she was sleeping with at the time…) ANYWAY – she DISAPPEARED one night on the boat! Now, a MILLION years later – the boat captain is telling his tale!!!!!!!!!!!
Actual Problem: Again with the OLD NEWS! Dude, you wanna solve a crime? Fine. But let’s try and do it within the same decade that it actually happened.
Here’s The Problem: 3 years after the fact – we see a picture of Beyonce’s wedding dress. This makes it to the top of the “Breaking news” section of Us Weekly’s daily report. I DO NOT CARE. This is old news! OLD ASS NEWS. Don’t come up in here trying to pass off a three year old dress as news.
Actual Problem: I don’t care who you are – you should only be allowed to throw your wedding in other people’s faces for a year. Tops.
Here’s The Problem: This movie. I can’t put my finger on it….but SOMETHING is amiss.
Is it Julia…? Is it Snow White’s eyebrows (Brooke Sheilds circa Blue Lagoon is the ONLY one who can pull that off honey)? Is it throwing in Nathan Lane for a Bird Cage feel? WHAT IS IT????
Actual Problem: I figured it out. It’s the Asian dwarves.
Here’s the Problem: Pregnant Jessica Simpson (did y’all know she was preggo? I know! Me neither…she hasn’t talked about it at all!) decided that she had the right to stop a woman from entering an elevator with her. Ya know, because she’s like the president and has a bunch of secret service with her. NO…because she needed her “me time.”
Actual Problem: “ME TIME?” Is that a joke? How much “me time” could she be having in an elevator…like 20 seconds? If her version of “me time” is like what I’m thinking of, next time she should do that in the privacy of her own bedroom…
Here’s the Problem: Kim Kardashian is the spokeslady for some hair removal product – TRIA – and she goes on and on and on about she barely knows what a razor looks like anymore because this product is so amazing. BUT this other company, Radiant, is suing KK because they’re all, “That’s impossible! You can’t use TRIA on your face or nipples anus, so Kim you know your hairy Armenian self still has a very intimate relationship with a razor*.” BAM.
Actual Problem: Can you do that? Can you sue someone you have nothing to do with because you think they’re lying? In that case, I have 27 shitty Facebook “friends” who have claimed they are starving, or dying or living a nightmare that I’d like to serve some papers to.
*not an actual quote, but… ya know… close enough.
Here’s The Problem:
Kyle: not to sound likeGarfield
Kyle: but Mondays are terrible
kara: the orange cartoon cat?
kara: has a hatred for Mondays?
kara: why would a cat give a shit about what day of the week it is?
kara: Cats don’t have jobs.
kara: Cats don’t have bills.
kara: Cats don’t have failed love lives and pill dependency problems.
kara: Cats have it made.
kara: Shut up Garfield.
Here’s The Problem:
No, that’s the problem.
It us – it’s not them.
We, the “single girls” I speak of, must get it together. We need to create better lives for ourselves. Better days – better nights.
And you know what that means? We need to go after: BETTER MEN.
Let me tell you something ladies, you’re not gonna get any younger or prettier than you are right now at this very minute! Don’t waste it waiting on some douche lord who can’t get his own shit together. Because one day you’re gonna wake up and your metabolism will have slowed down and you’ll have jowls and you’ll wish that you had gone on that date with Benny, the dependable guy from the pharmacy at CVS instead of waiting for Doug the down and out writer who was too moody and broody to commit or make any kind of decision. I see this kind of shit happen everyday.
I’m telling you.
Actual Problem: No – NO – this isn’t about ME. This is about all of us. ALL OF US. We’re not gonna change them – we have to change ourselves.
**Sorry for the ten seconds of Women’s lib. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program of talking smack.