Monthly Archives: November 2011

Here’s The Problem: Holding Hands While Running

Here’s The Problem: Ya know what’s stupid? Running and holding hands. Separately – these two actions are fine, but together – POPPYCOCK! I saw a couple attempting this odd juxtaposition this very morning. And I thought – STUPID.

Actual Problem: Is this exercise or foreplay? Stop the bullshit. Some things don’t need to be done together.

Here’s the Problem: OUR 1000TH POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa: Hey! Did you notice we have 999 posts up on HTP? The next one will be the thousandth!!!

Kara: OMG!  We are so amazing!

Lisa: We’re the best ever!

Kara: So insightful! We spot a problem like nobody’s business!
We can make a problem out of a solution.

Lisa: We can complain about anything – good or bad

Kara: right or wrong. fair or unfair.

Lisa: Hey Kar, this isn’t good

Kara: I know….

Kara: We’re like the old men from The Muppets

Lisa: At least we have each other…

Kara: That is true. And for this – I am truly thankful

Lisa: Awww, maybe we can do a thankful post

Kara:  OHH!!!!! I kinda like that. A lot.

Lisa: we can be thankful for all the problems in our lives that inspire this thing -
being single
getting laugh lines

Kara: and for stupid celebrities
thankful that lindsay lohan hasn’t discovered common sense

Lisa: and kim kardashian hasn’t discovered liposuction and her mom hasn’t discovered shame

Kara: Yes! Yes!

Lisa: and we can be thankful that this blog (and our friendship) has survived 1000 whiney, complaining, bitchy posts

Kara: Yes! Yes! I am thankful for all those things!

Kara: Wow, 1000 problems. 1000 pieces of happiness that stemmed from pieces of anger and annoyance. But, you know Li, you said it best – “hate brings people together more than love”

Here’s The Problem: Christina’s White Dress

Here’s The Problem: Ooof. Girl. This dress………..

Look. Let’s be real – I don’t want to hate on curves. I have them. I like them. And I’m not saying she’s fat – because she certainly is not. But when this girl was getting dressed – did anyone THINK? Did anyone say, hmmm, should she put on this skin tight WHITE dress that her tits are popping out of while her Spanx are doing all they can to rectify the lower portion of her body?

Actual Problem: White after Labor Day, bitch. We have these rules for a REASON.

Here’s The Problem: Kris Humphries Talking Smack

Here’s The Problem: A wise (and cynical) man once said to me “Life is not a romantic comedy”. No words ring more true in the case of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. In the aftermath of their recent divorce, Kris is channeling his frustration with life by saying some, well, not nice things about his former Mrs…….my favorite jab is that he has called her “fat ass”. As a Kardashian supporter I cannot let this slide.

 

Actual Problem: I really want to do a take on “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” here but my choices are limited…here’s a few – you pick your favorite:

 

Don’t slap the ass that made you famous.

Don’t dis the hump that used to hump you, Humphires.

 Don’t kick the ass that kicked you to the curb.

God, I was wrong – there are a ton of options…I could do this all day!

Here’s The Problem: Breaking Dawn

Here’s The Problem: Look. For all you crazy loons who are in love with this vampire fest – I’m about to spoil some shit for you. Do you hear me?

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO. I saw this film…mostly cause my Dad paid and I have nothing better to do with my time than hang out with elderly people. That said, let’s talk about this….so Bella…has CHOSEN to marry & f**k a VAMPIRE. Then, she becomes pregnant with his demon spawn….then she will not allow the Vampire Doctor to perform Plan A on her….so she sits around looking like shit while the demon baby sucks the life outta her…meanwhile, this other stupid kid (tons of dopes in this movie) who doubles as a wolf – is still crazy in love with her and just HANGS around the house full of vamps feeling sorry for himself???

Actual Problem: This is the worst form of masochism I have ever encountered!!! People should not let their little girls read/watch this shit! It’s insane! It’s nuts!!! ….yeah, so, I cried during the Vampire wedding and I felt like her dress was so gorgeous I couldn’t stand it – but STILL – it’s INSANE!!!!!! NUTS!!!!!!

Here’s The Problem: The Band Perry

Here’s The Problem: Last night I tuned into the AMA’s for 3.5 seconds and saw a band….who calls themselves The Band Perry (we KNOW you’re a band….Christ Almighty….do I call myself “The Girl Kara”?) singing a song called “If I Die Young”. Let’s look at some of the lyrics – shall we?

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

UGH – what’s happening here? What’s up Emo? Sink you in the river? GLADLY.

 


And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand,
There’s a boy here in town who says he’ll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

OY.OY. Even worse. Now her body is decaying and she dies a virgin?

I HATE THIS SONG.

Actual Problem: This is a HIT? This is a song so great that it was preformed at an Awards show? Why not write a song about getting syphilis? Or suicide? Or maybe dead puppies? People are depressed enough as it is without having to hear some warbler belt out a bunch of malarkey about the beauty of death. Death sucks. Get with it.

Here’s The Problem: The Natalie Wood Mystery

 Here’s The Problem: Have I ever told you guys that I’m obsessed with Natalie Wood? What’s that youngins? You don’t know who Natalie Wood is? Oh dear…well, for those of you who do – she died in a VERY mysterious situation involving a boat, her husband (Robert Wagner), and Christopher Walken (who it was rumored, she was sleeping with at the time…) ANYWAY – she DISAPPEARED one night on the boat! Now, a MILLION years later – the boat captain is telling his tale!!!!!!!!!!!

Actual Problem: Again with the OLD NEWS! Dude, you wanna solve a crime? Fine. But let’s try and do it within the same decade that it actually happened.