Here’s The Problem: Lindsay Lohan’s Personal Hygeine

Here’s The Problem: Can we take a moment to congratulate LiLo on her new teeth? That shit HAD to be taken care of after she walked around town looking like Queen of the Meth Heads – teeth all brown and scraggly. Homeless R Us. Bitch – when you used to be a movie star – deal with that shit before you go around smiling all big like you’re in a Crest commercial.

Actual Problem: Next up for Linds is a spread in Playboy. If her teeth are any indication of her personal maintenance habits, I shudder to think about what is going on south of the border.

Here’s The Problem: The Veterans Day Challenge

Here’s The Problem: Today my boss (who will be called Jack Spillmen for the purposes of this entry) and I had a bet. He said – if I could answer the phone by saying: “Jack Spillmen’s Office – Happy Veterans Day!” ALL DAY LONG….he would give me 20 bucks! So far – it is going well. I mean – people think I’m crazy and my boss cracks up every single time I answer the phone but….it’s worth it. Wish me luck!

Actual Problem: One gal thought I wished her a “Happy Valentines Day”. Gotta enunciate…

Here’s the Problem: The Starvation Model

Here’s the Problem:  Supermodel Adriana Lima admitted that prior to the Victoria Secret fashion show she goes 9 days without solid food and doesn’t drink any fluid for 12 hours before the show.

Actual Problem:  And… ?   Look, there may be chicks who are naturally skinny and runway ready – this bitch isn’t.   At least she’s being honest.  If I’m going out at night, I only eat one dinner.  It helps me button my jeans.  Look!  Me and Adriana Lima! Practically twins!

Here’s The Problem: Kirstie’s New Hair!

Here’s The Problem: Ya’ll didn’t think I’d be back without a KIRSTIE post – did ya??????? My girl dyed her hair brown!!!!!!!!

Do we love it? Do we miss the blond? I kinda love it.

Actual Problem: I BEGGED to audition for the part of her daughter on her new show and was shot down. Give a girl a break! I could play 16 – right? RIGHT?

Here’s the Problem: Courtney Stodden’s Tweets (An Intern Hillary Post!!!!!!!!!!)

Here’s the Problem: Courtney Stodden, the teen bride who looks like a tired prostitute, thinks she’s famous. Well kiddo, NEWS FLASH, you’re not. If being grossly sexually explicit with her 51 year old hubby isn’t enough to make you barf, her tweets might just do that. Just to clear things up, I don’t follow Courtney on Twitter, but eonline does and they just retweeted Tits McGee:

Sexily stepping my saucy-self into a shining spritz of showering serenity as sapid smaze rises from my shape & unto the sultry seeing-glass.

Actual Problem: Hey girl, just because you learned about alliteration in the 10th grade last week doesn’t mean you are allowed to use it on Twitter like this. If you weren’t aware, Twitter should be used to write little blurbs about nothing. If you need a good example, look at what I write about my love of tootsie roll pops and my lack of will power. Anyways, just stop making everyone nauseous. Thanks.

**You can follow Intern Hillary’s tweets about Halloween candy, boys and college life at @HillaryWeiss1**

Here’s the Problem: Rugby Player Turned Hairdresser Post Accident

Here’s the Problem:  This is like, my favorite thing that’s been reported this week (and yes, I’m including Ashton Kutcher not knowing about current events).  UK rugby player Chris Birch was training for a match when he tried to show off by doing a flip.  Birch landed on his head, suffered a stroke and when he woke up, he said he was gay.    And not like he was telling people he bi-sexual prior to the accident and this sealed the deal.  N0.  He was a heterosexual skinhead engaged to marry his  girlfriend.

Actual Problem:  After coming to, Birch dumped his fiance, left the Rugby team, quit his job, lost 60 lbs, started a relationship and moved in with a guy 7 years younger and became a hairdresser.  Birch didn’t just wake up attracted to men – he woke up a stereotype.

Here’s The Problem: Pregnant Celebrities

Here’s The Problem: There is a new fad going on. It’s called LYING. And you know who the main culprits are? PREGNANT CELEBRITIES. I’m sick of them, man. You are not “glowing” – you are sweating because you are now large and in charge. You were not “born to be pregnant” you got knocked up. Your new “amazing connection” with your body is your hormones playing tricks on you. Pregnancy is hard. There is a PERSON growing INSIDE YOUR BODY.  I wanna hear the truth – you’re TIRED. Your feet HURT. You’re SCARED of LABOR. You’re so fat you can’t stand to look at yourself. You wanna physically harm your husband when he brings you the wrong flavored chips.

Actual Problem: We need celebs to stop romanticizing fucking EVERYTHING. Next thing you know there will be an article about the magic of getting an enema.

Here’s The Problem: Oh, Lola!

Here’s The Problem: Dakota Fanning’s new ad for  the Marc Jacobs perfume “Oh, Lola!” has been banned from the UK for being too “racy”. I have been studying the ad and fail to come up with reasons why….but the UK Standards Authority has it’s reasons: “the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality”. Oh Jesus, really??  Are we trying to say that this pink flowered bottle is phallic? Is it????

Actual Problem: Listen. How can you even tell how long that skirt is? It blends perfectly with her pale ass leg. And furthermore – that bottle doesn’t look like any of the (3) dicks I’ve ever seen. Buck up UK.

Here’s The Problem: SIRI

Here’s The Problem: There is a new bitch in town and her name is Siri. She is the automated chick who lives in the new iphone 59 (or whatever the fizzuck number we’re on now). Siri is a tease. She lures people in with the promise of voice triggered dialing and knowing all. But when push comes to shove – Siri doesn’t deliver. Earlier this week I watched my Mom plead with Siri for help. She needed an answer  – and instead got NOTHING. It was hard to watch. And so I have now decided to wage a war on this Siri.

 

Actual Problem: This is an iFAIL.

Here’s the Problem: Brett Ratner Resigns as Oscar Producer

Here’s the Problem:  Brett Ratner did the noble thing yesterday when he resigned as producer of next year’s Oscar Awards after being blasted for homophobic (?) remarks he made last week, saying, “Rehearsal is for fags.”

Actual Problem:  If the comment was homophobic or not (I mean, is he afraid of gays?  Probably not – he’s just an ignorant asshole) I think he’s just mistaken about the need for a little practice for, ya know, multi-million dollar productions.  If I may say it with all due respect, rehearsal is for fags.  Rehearsal is also for straight people.  And little people.  And Jews and morons and Mormons and kids and overweight slackers and British perfectionists.  Rehearsal is for children with cleft lips and old people with bowel control issues.   Of course, it’s his word choice that the public is concerned about, but what I think he meant was, “Rehearsal is for people who have higher aspirations than making Tower Heist”.