Here’s The Problem: I has just come to my attention that Madonna is going to be performing at the half-time show of the Superbowl this year. When I heard this I was stunned for many reasons. The first being, I was not sure that a woman of her age would be able to do a show of this magnitude. I was also concerned that her faux British accent may sully some of her older hits. I then Googled “what’s wrong with Madonna” and found this awesome video.
Actual Problem: I absolutely loathe Madonna.
Here’s The Problem: Elizabeth Olsen (sister of MK&A) is letting us all know that she is “the curvy one” in her family.
Actual Problem: Being the only one who eats in your family is different from being “the curvy one”.
Here’s The Problem: Old boobs. They are gross. I don’t care if you have propped them up real high. I don’t care if they are fake and have fewer wrinkles than the rest of your body. I don’t care if you are still thin and think you’ve got it going on. I don’t care if you’re Susan Sarandon and own no shirts with coverage. I don’t care if you are at a pool. I don’t care if you are chubby and are trying to pass them off as fat. I.DO.NOT.CARE. Cover up, old gals. Age with grace. Get a shawl! Get a poncho! Wear a mumu! Hide your old ass tits.
Actual Problem: Old boobs. They are gross.
Here’s the Problem: Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom fame is apparently disgusted by Kourtney Kardashian’s new pregnancy. Farrah tweeted: “I’m shocked Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant again. Did she not learn anything from Teen Mom?” Okay Farrah, news flash: KK is 32 and is in a stable relationship with the douchebag Scott and is raising a little kiddo already. DON’T DISS MY FAV FAMILY.
Actual Problem: Last time I checked didn’t Farrah get a boob job and leave her kid with her mom so she can go to college party and do nothing in Florida? You didn’t win “Mom of the Year” so suck it, Farrah.
Here’s The Problem:
Kyle: I tried on my purple sweater with some purple button downs underneath it last night and let me tell you
Kyle: i cannot dress the way most ofAmerica does and I do not know why
kara: Why can’t you dress like a person?
Kyle: It looked bulky and it just didn’t look “crisp and clean”
kara: I think that is not a good sweater for a button down underneath
Kyle: But it was on the mannequin!
Kyle: He looked so smart and sophisticated
Kyle: I look homeless in nice clothes
kara: A mannequin is made of wood!
Kyle: But it is shaped to resemble a human!
kara: Not a REAL human
kara: A FANTASY human!!
kara: It’s like when I go to Victoria Secret and the lady mannequins have these amazing fake asses
kara: and then I go home and put my thong on and I’m like, UGH! HORROR!
Here’s The Problem: Um, you guys…US Weekly has this article today about Victoria Beckham going on a $645 dollar shopping “spree”. Guys. I feel…….wealthy. I feel…..elite. I feel……like this is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. $645 is not a spree! I say this and I am not a person of means. I am not a person of wealth. I do not own diamonds or cashmere. I do not get things dry cleaned, I drive a Toyota and I often empty my checking account when rent comes out…BUT….$645 is not a spree. It’s Christmas gifts for your friends and fam. It’s 2 car payments. It’s the amount my friend Kyle just spent when he opened his NORDSTROM card on Tuesday.
Actual Problem: If I can spend as much money as Posh Spice then I’m a celebrity too.
Here’s The Problem: Happy Birthday Brit Brit!!!!!! I can’t believe you’re 30 years old! I never thought this day would come. You have brought so much joy and happiness to the world in your three decades! We have stuck by you through the highs and the lows…..
Actual Problem: Really, low, lows….