Here’s The Problem: The worst day of the year is coming. I hate it. I hate it more than going to the gyno. I hate it more than getting waxed (not meaning to have a vagina trend here – it’s just sort of happening). I hate it more than when I had to go to the prom with my friend’s brother (He was paid. I know this. I know this like I know that Tom Cruise is gay.). I hate it more than I hate the guy who once told me that he didn’t know why he was dating me…. it was “just something to do”. I hate it – ok? So I’m giving myself 13 full days to prepare for the day where all the gals here at the office will get flowers from their boyfriends and I’ll get a card from my fake mother (ahem….you have 13 days here Mom).
Actual Problem: Convo between me and Kyle (my best gay):
KYLE: Wanna have the finest romantic dinner on VDay that CPK can give us?
KARA: Omg…..maybe. Will this make me want to kill myself more or less???????
KYLE: I’m hoping less. But I really can never tell with you until day of.
Here’s The Problem: Usually, I leave any and all “political” posts to Lisa…and I’m not even sure that this qualifies as one now but here we go. Fox News publicly criticized The Muppet Movie for supposedly pushing a ‘dangerous liberal agenda’ at kids…..the Pup..er Muppets decided to retaliate.
Actual Problem: This whole thing is so ridic I can hardly stand it. The Muppets are liberal. Beauty and the Beast must be about inter-racial marriage. Happy Feet deals with immigration issues.
Puppets. Talking Tea Pots. Peguins.
Here’s The Problem: I recently realized that I can use my car as a metaphor for my life. For example, when things are going smoothly and I am doing well – my car is clean. I take it in for regular washes and remove the excess crap from the inside (shoes, tops, cd’s, McDonald’s receipts…more shoes). However, when my life is in disarray it seems that my car ALSO falls apart.
Actual Problem: This is sort of what my car currently looks like:
Here’s the Problem: Despite recently making a movie with Jordin Sparkes, a rep for Whitney Houston is saying she is “broke as a joke“. I guess Sparkle money doesn’t last long.
Actual Problem: I guess crack is only for poor people.
Here’s The Problem: Mary J Blige is pissed. Not only does she look more and more like Nene from Real Housewives as time goes by, but her song from The Help wasn’t nominated. 5 songs could receive a nomination, but only two got them. Thankfully at least one is from The Muppets. Lots of people didn’t get nominated though, and in her quest to show how angry she is, Mary tweeted that the Academy is “mean” for doing this.
Actual Problem: “Masterpiece” and “Hello Hello” were also not nominated, which means we won’t get Madonna vs. Elton Round 2.
***Josh is half of the genius that writes Sir! The Blog. You should check it out. Daily. They write more than we do. And better than we do. God, why are you even here right now??? Go get Sir’d!!!
Here’s the Problem: Today, on Live with Kim K and Kelly, Kim K discussed her 72-day marriage to ogre Kris Humphries because there’s STILL nothing new to talk about. She joked that the marriage was a business decision and she made all the money and because of this she is a smart business woman. She then joked that the divorce was a bad business decision.
Actual Problem: She’s not joking.
Here’s The Problem:
kara: elizabeth smart is engaged.
kara: she was held captive for a year by crazy people
kara: and still manages to get married before us
kara: can we do a problem about this?
kara: too un-PC?
lisa: too un pc?
lisa: since when do you care?
kara: i know
kara: i know
kara: but usually we talk smack about dumbasses
kara: this gal was legit KIDNAPPED
kara: bad shit happened to her
lisa: years ago
lisa: she’s getting married
lisalifetime: so all the bad shit gets erased, right?
Here’s The Problem: The 80’s are back. In full force. Have you noticed the trend? Things that were out are now in. Things that were ugly are now beautiful. Fashion, food, tv….it’s attacking us from all sides. Lady Gaga is Madonna. My Little Pony is back in stores. I’m sitting here dressed like a welder by day/dancer by night. WHAT IS HAPPENING????
Actual Problem: Two weeks ago I cringed as my mom sang along to Journey songs in the car….. going on and on about “her music” and now I’m afraid that I just caught myself humming “When the Lights Go Down in the City”. Everything old is new again.
Here’s The Problem: These people. Do you recognize them? They are shadows of themselves. Remember when Brad was super hot? Didn’t walk with a cane? Washed his hair once in awhile? Remember when Angelina was smooching her brother and stealing Jen’s husband and was so.damn.beautiful you wanted to punch her in the face? It’s like they got old and boring and no longer have mirrors or stylists or food…or shampoo.
Actual Problem: When beautiful people don’t age well….there is not a lot of hope for the rest of us.
Here’s The Problem: Katy Perry has dyed her hair blue. This is a common occurrence for women who are suddenly single. Break-ups somehow cause a sort of identity crisis that leads to the dyeing of one’s hair. Once, years ago, after being dumped via instant message, I put blond streaks in my hair. Awful.
Actual Problem: Ladies – the post break-up hair change NEVER looks better. It always looks worse. Deal with your problems like everyone else – drink.