Here’s the Problem: I recently came across this article about how to pause your Google search history. I’m sure it will get a lot of attention because people these days are paranoid as shit. Similarly, this morning on the Today Show Matt Lauer exposed how Target can figure out if you’re pregnant based on your recent purchases (it’s the pregnancy test and pre-natal vitamin combo that’s tipping them off). BREAKING NEWS!!! People notice stuff. Your next door neighbor sees when you bring in take out on Friday night and can figure out you broke up with your boyfriend. The guy at Starbucks will recognize if you’re out of work for a few days and come back with a tan. I don’t really know how different this is than a huge corporation knowing what you’re looking up on the internet or buying in a store.
I’m not saying I’m above it all. I’ve done my share of searching embarrassing diseases and ways to kill your cat without imposing much pain. Who cares? Some numskull in a cubicle who is collecting this data? What is he going to do with it that the nurse at my gynecologist isn’t? Tell his boss? Put it in a database that finds how much girls my age hate their cats? If the patterns of my life are all that interesting to anyone other than me – have at it. The first time my mother took me to Lohmann’s and I had to try on clothes in a group changing room she told me that most people will be too focused on their own cellulite to notice mine. I still live by that assumption. And, hell, if some under-confident woman wants to steal a look at my runner’s thighs to compare hers – enjoy. So if some Gmail employee thinks it’s interesting that I’ve written 3 emails about how the prices at Ruth’s Skincare have gone up, I only hope it’s not the highlight of his day.
Actual Problem: Protect your social security and credit cards numbers. Keep your household income private if you wish. Don’t go out of your way to share the results of your recent blood test on Twitter. Other than that – what do you have to hide?
Here’s The Problem: Oscar fashion is always something I pay attention to. Mostly because a dress that costs more than my yearly salary is a mind boggling must-see for me. But this was one of the saddest things I’ve seen since Bjork the stork. Angie sticking her twiggy leg out every five minutes so we could see that her dress had a slit.
Actual Problem: I don’t care who you are (or used to be…) – if it’s pale and white and lookin’ a fright – hide that shit.
Here’s the Problem: Hey! The Oscars were last night! Did you watch? No??? Lame. At least you were not watching from the comfort of your home. Did you see all the people not watching while they were in the audience?? For shame.
Actual Problem: It’s an awards show for Pete’s sake! For 3 hours your only obligation is to sit in a cushy seat and be semi-entertained. The least you can do is look straight ahead.
Here’s the Problem: Is this a Mercury in retrograde kinda thing or can we all just agree girls are stupid? We have Rihanna in one corner rekindling her magical love for busted lips and black eyes, Vanessa Bryant in corner 2 locking lips with the man who thinks $4M diamonds make up for cheating, and Elin Nordegren in corner 3 working on fixing her relationship with a man who slept with every cocktail and IHOP waitress west of the Mississippi.
Actual Problem: This is a triangle of fools. A triangle of beautiful and smart, but foolish women who need to work on their self-esteem. For shame ladies. For shame.
Here’s The Problem: US Weekly Headline: Name of Will & Kate’s puppy FINALLY revealed!!!!!! I can hardly con
Actual Problem: Sorry guys – I got so bored I couldn’t even continue. It’s a dog. Get.over.it.
Here’s The Problem: Rihanna and Chris Brown are recording songs together. Making music. Laying down tracks. Spitting some jams. …..Now, how did this all happen? Were RiRi’s people sitting around, trying to think of her next career move and then came up with: “Hey – let’s call that guy who beat the shit outta her. He’ll be great for a remix!”
So, for the remix of her song: Birthday Cake, ex Chris Brown adds in these awesome lyrics:
“Girl I wanna f-ck you right now. Been a long time I been missing your body….”
Actual Problem: I wonder if he’s missing her body as a punching bag too?
Here’s the Problem: Guys – GUYS! – have you heard about the new It Girl? Not Shala Monroque (too ethnic) or Kate Upton (too fat). It’s Iris Apfel. She’s 90 and awesome and wears glasses. Guys. 90 is the new 20. Which means I’m not old at all. I’m still a child!
Actual Problem: 95-year old former It Girl Zelda Kaplan died yesterday at a fashion show. So… 90 is still pretty old. No one’s cool and we’re all gonna die no matter if you wear Norma Kamali or not.
Here’s the Problem: I feel like every morning I wake up to 2-3 emails saying that some girl I was in the 3rd grade lip sync contest with, or an ex-boyfriend who’s now getting married some cheating whore is now following me on Pinterest. Now, don’t get me wrong. I want my middle school swim coach to see the one photo I’ve “pinned” (strawberries). I just don’t know why she’d want to look at it.
Actual Problem: The way I see it, Pinterest is Tumblr for people who don’t know how to write.