Here’s the Problem: Tilda Swinton Moves Her Boy Toy Up to #1

Here’s the Problem:  Remember when Claire and I were obsessed with Tilda Swinton?  No?  Well it happened.  One night over sandwiches and Michael Clayton we decided that she was our girl.  She’s stylish and androgynous and she has a boyfriend!  Like a legit boyfriend.  Even when she had a long-term old man partner holding down the fort in Scotland, she had a 20-something lovah to take to premiere parties in Hollywood.  How magnificent is that??  Patti Stanger would be proud.

Actual Problem:  The old man is now gone and Tilda has pulled her boy toy, Sandro Kopp, up to the major leagues.  Now he’s her ONLY.  And they’re all out flaunting their ridiculous monogamy in public.  Gross.  Patti Stanger would disapprove.

Here’s The Problem: Leave Jennifer Alone!

Here’s The Problem: Remember a few years ago when that freakin’ nut-in-a-hut made that video where he was sobbing and writhing and screaming for everyone to “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!”?

Well, I’m about to do the same thing for Jennifer Aniston. If one more person asks her something about Brad Pitt – I’m gonna go OFF. Leave her alone! What if you got dumped by Legends of the Goddamn Fall and then – SEVEN YEARS later people STILL asked you about it?

You’d cut a bitch. You know you would.

Actual Problem: THIS guy…..

 

Here’s the Problem: People’s Most Beautiful Person… and goldfish

 lisa 10:45 am
hey
let me know when you have a few minutes
i want to have a conversation about People’s most beautiful person

 kara 1:08 pm
hello!
sorry was in a long as fuck meeting

 kara 2:49 pm
is it beyonce????

 lisa 2:51 pm
it is
here’s the thing

 lisa 2:51 pm
i would never want to be the most beautiful person
say you’re julia roberts
and you’ve been on the list, what? 3 times? 4 times?
one year you’re not going to be on the list
and that’s the year you know you turned ugly
i’d rather just think I’m status quo the entire time
from birth to death
from onsie to wrinkles

 kara 2:57 pm
right
like
it’s not only the year you’ve turned ugly
it’s the year you know you’re old as shit
you’re dried up
dudes dont jack off to you anymore
nobody wants you
wow………..
sorry – all i’ve had to eat today is goldfish crackers – i’m even nastier than usual

 lisa 2:59 pm
i love you

 kara 2:59 pm
thank you
i needed that

Here’s the Problem: Oh, Those Kardashian Girls….

Here’s the Problem:  An interview came out today in PaperMag with the Kardashians.  No no, not just an interview, a fucking EXPOSE (with the accent over the second e) about their social media skills.  We finally find out how Khloe and Miley Cyrus became friends (through Twitter, duhzers!).  AMAZEBALLS.

Actual Problem:  In response to a question about twitter haters Kim said,

When people are so stupid, you just have to have fun with it.

Yes Kim!  And that is the entire foundation of the E! Network.   Let this woman be president of Glendale already!

Here’s the Problem: Ashton and Mila? FAN. TASTIC.

Here’s the Problem:  There are reports that Mila Kunis is dating former That 70s Show co-star, Ashton Kutcher.   HOW CUTE IS THAT???

Actual Problem:   Ugh, guys – I’m in a good mood.  A great mood.  I’m really happy and it makes it real hard to blast idiot celebrities for falling in love with people they shouldn’t.  Which makes it really hard to write this blog.  Thank God Kara’s still miserable.   Kar – you’re still miserable, right?

Here’s The Problem: The Disney Vault…..and Hi, I’m Crazy

Here’s The Problem: Due to being constantly bombarded by threatening commercials from Disney – reminding me that Beauty and the Beast is “soon going back into the vault” – I bought the DVD. I kept seeing the commercials and hearing it in my head over and over “back in the vault…BACK IN THE VAULT”.  It was a haunting taunt…and somehow a reminder that my life is not on track  - because the irrational train of thought that followed was nothing short of lunacy:

“Gotta get to Target.”

“Gotta get Beauty and the Beast…because what if I have children in the next five years!”

“What if I have a little girl and I really want her to watch Beauty and the Beast – but it’s GONE! Locked in some vault!”

“What if all her little friends have the DVD but she doesn’t because her lame ass Mom wasted all her money on vodka and Tostitos before she was born?”

Actual Problem: When checking out (in 10 items or less line with my Beauty & the Beast DVD, a pack of condoms and a liter of diet coke….we can call these Deluded Sunday purchases….) the cashier, Ethel, said “Oh my daughter just LOVES this movie” and I responded “Mine will too.”

Christ……

Here’s the Problem: Demi Moore and The Twitter Curse

Here’s the Problem:  Demi Moore made her triumphant return to Twitter today. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!  But really – this? This is news?  This is news front page of AOL.com?  I hate everything about everything.   Anyway, Moore, whose twitter handle has been @MrsKutcher, is looking to make a name change, ya know, considering her husband’s hot tub orgy ended their marriage.

Actual Problem:  Twitter names are the new tramp stamp.  Using your boyfriend’s name for either does not bode well for the relationship.

Here’s The Problem: Love – TV Style….

Here’s The Problem: This morning as I attempted the hour long process of trying to make a 28 year old hag look like a 25 year old go-getter, I put ABC family on in the background. As I listened to the dulcet tones of Boy Meets World, something struck me. Cory & Topanga. Now THAT was a love story. A brillow headed boy meets a tree hugging hippie and they fall in love. Love, that at times seemed too intense and extremely age-inappropriate. Love that defied all odds and withstood the test of time (not to mention the tests Mr. Feeney gave).  So what’s the problem here? I’ll tell you. The problem is simple. Our generation never had a chance. We were given unreasonable expectations with all this Cory and Topanga – Rachel and Ross – Zack and Kelly. We saw all this nonsense and thought “oh – love is like THIS”.

Actual Problem: For every boom box that wasn’t held up outside my window, for every fight that didn’t end in a kiss in front of a fountain at Disneyworld, for that boy I thought would eventually see the light and come back cause things were “meant to be” – I blame the television

Here’s the Problem: Goddammit, Amanda Bynes

Here’s the Problem:  What the fuck Amanda Bynes?  You were the last good one.   When Lindsay was blowing up the coke scene and Paris and Britney were showing their crotches to every open car door you were making ABC Family movies and walking old ladies across the street.  But now… oh Mandy.  Drunkenly hitting cop cars, drunkenly driving up on curbs, drunkenly dying her hair that awful shade of pink.

Actual Problem: This is setting a bad example for all the other goody-two-shoes 90s teen stars, and if I wake up one morning to a story about Frankie Munoz using money made from a sex tape with Courtney Love to score heroin I’m blaming it on that once-charming young girl from What I Like About You.

Here’s The Problem: GIRLS

Here’s The Problem: This show is a problem. To be fair – I hated it before I even watched it. My friend Moye knew that something was amiss. She wrote about it. And let me tell you – when Moye has something to say, it’s important to take that into account. And ya know what Moye said? She said “WHITE GIRL PROBLEMS”. I have to agree….among other problems. Let’s list some things that these white girls did on this show that no self-respecting girl (of ANY ethnicity) would do:

1. Take a bath while eating a cupcake while your roommate shaves her legs in the same bath.
2. Be supported financially by her parents 2 YEARS after graduating college.
3. Not recognize that you are in need of bronzer ……a whole lot of it.
4. Lay face down on the couch like a bitch (trying to unsuccessfully take off your ugly tights like you have some sort of palsy) while waiting for some UGLY loser to come out of the bathroom and do you doggie-style.

Actual Problem: The actual problem is that this is not real. Girls are not really this dumb (white or not). And I resent a show that says we are.