Here’s the Problem: TMZ is reporting the most darling story about the most modest girl in all the land – Lindsay Lohan. Apparently, Miss Lohan was to shoot a sex scene for her latest movie, but she was so embarrassed! The thought of baring her breasts in front all those cameramen was just to much for this shy little princess to handle. What is a lady to do? Ah, yes, she asked that the crew strip down to their boxers. This way, she wasn’t alone in her partial nudity. How charming.
Actual Problem: What. The. Fuck. Did she hit her head and forget that she posed nude for Playboy? Where any homeless with $7 could see her barely covered breasts? Or did she just realize that this is the only chance that her droopy boobs would get someone to take their pants off.
Here’s The Problem: Did you guys follow along with this whole Jackson Family drama? I was off in la-la land thinking about how the Scientologists where gonna off Katie Holmes and then KStew got all slutty and somehow Grandma Jackson being kidnapped totally escaped me! Luckily, several gals I went to high school with have become bloggers and we all sorta spot each other. So, when Andrea (who writes a blog I really love) sent me a message about Prince Michael Jackson’s reason defying hair (for real – LOOK at it) – I got MUCH more than I bargained for! Paris is tweeting – Grandma goes missing – Janet’s slapping kids, Tito’s contesting Michael’s will (it’s a fake he says!) … Granny loses custody to some kid named TJ…..I mean….. It’s too much. IT’S TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actual Problem: Did you know there was a Jackson named Rebbie????
Here’s The Problem:
Kyle 10:33 am: Kirstie is BACK. Are you READY??????
kara 10:34 am: WHAT???
Kyle 10:34 am: Dancing! With the stars!
kara 10:34 am:
I’M LITERALLY JUMPING
Kyle 10:34 am: yessss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle 10:41 am: ok. this is a GREAT day
kara 10:42 am: yes. things are really turning around for us!!
Here’s The Problem: Today “SURI TAKES A CAB!” made headlines. I was thoroughly confused as to why this was news – especially with all the KStew cheating pictures that have yet to be exploited – until I realized – this little beezy has probably never taken a cab in her whole life! I’m surprised her tiny feet have even touched the ground!
Actual Problem: When Tom hears about this I wonder if he’ll try to use his mind power to move her from place to place instead? It’ll cut back on cab fare…..
Here’s the Problem: TLC is at it again with season 2 of its groundbreaking reality series “Virgin Diaries.” Last night’s episode featured a 41 year old virgin named Michelle who hadn’t had sex yet because she simply “forgot.” SERIOUSLY?? How do you fucking forget to fuck??? Anywho…Michelle decides the best way to end this long, boring part of her life is to tell all her friends about it. At a “coming out” party. She even had someone do her make-up all fancy and shit as if this was some sort of prom or Bat Mitzvah.
Actual Problem: As if the party itself wasn’t enough, she topped off the whole charade with a gigantic cake shaped like a CHERRY. If you don’t get this totally obvious irony, maybe you should be on this show next…
Here’s The Problem: A serious problem has been brought to our attention today by our own Moye Ishimoto (please see our ABOUT section for more info on Moye). It seems as though two of the original AMERICAN GIRL dolls are being sent into retirement!!! Samantha and Felicity are being put out to pasture. As Moye said “I feel so sad and old”. It’s yet another reminder that our youth is dead.
Actual Problem: I was never wealthy enough to own one of these fine dolls, so as a child, I would cut out the pictures from the catalogue that came each month and stuff them with cotton balls. My grand plan was to try to illicit sympathy from my father by playing with my cotton ball dolls at his feet. It did not work. He told me to pipe down, “throw away that garbage” and get a job if I wanted fancy toys. Damn Dad.
Here’s The Problem: Kristen Stewart is a cheater. Cheater, cheater, cheater. I wonder about things like this. I think to myself – Self, if you had a lovely, pale skinned, glitters in the sun, looks good even when he hasn’t bathed, boyfriend….would you cheat on him with an old married dude? I have to say NO. I mean, I WANT to say no…..but this isn’t about me. It’s about that cheater K-Stew. Here is a quote from the object of her indiscretion:
”I think Kristen is incredibly brave, she played such a good version Bella Swan, people think Kristen Stewart is Bella Swan. She’s not, you know? If you meet Kristen, she’s wildly kind of giggly and vivacious and rebellious and naughty—all things that Bella Swan isn’t.”
And a cheater. You forgot that she’s a cheater.
Actual Problem: I’m so pious this morning with all my “she’s a cheater, she’s a cheater” yammering. I don’t really know where that’s coming from….I guess it’s just the single gal’s lament. Cause let me tell you – as soon as I get a boyfriend, sign me up for a side dish. Right?
Here’s the Problem: Guys. GUYS!!! Remember Kate Gosselin? The woman who verbally abused her husband even though he gave her 8 children with adorable Asian features worth watching TLC for? To recap – they got divorced, their TV show was cancelled, her husband went into an Ed Hardy isolation chamber and came out a Michael Lohan-loving douchebag and she got a full body lift and went to paparazzis’ houses in the middle of the night and violently shook them awake until they agreed to photograph her on a beach. Remember? Well, anyway, she’s back. E! Online announced that she’s trying to find love through a reality competition show, because, duh, this woman can’t wipe her butt unless there’s a camera there to capture it. Guys – WE CAME BACK JUST IN TIME!!!
Actual Problem: The show is just a development (probably only in Kate’s mind). What if it doesn’t get picked up? What if it doesn’t become a long running series where Kate hands out thorny stems to men whose lives she wants to ruin? What if she never gets remarried and the rest of the planet is denied the possibility of a Kate Gosselin wedding special?! Someone please buy this show. I’ll contribute to the kickstarter.
Here’s The Problem: My boy Fred Willard has been arrested for engaging in a “lewd act” last Thursday. Listen, I don’t know what he did. I don’t know why his pants were down. But I do know that Freddy is 72 freaking years old. Now they want him to enter a “diversion program, which would include courses on decision-making and sex-related crimes.”
Actual problem: I think we (and when I say we – I mean the police) should take more time looking for actual criminals – maybe ones who kill people at the movie theater – and less time harassing geriatric gentlemen who may not even remember WHY their pants were down in the first place.
Well, for starters, Lisa has been chasing me around with this big sword…..
HTP: Listen. I know we’ve been gone for what seems like a very long time…..and perhaps it has been. So, I say to our loyal fans – suck it up. We’re back now and there are many more problems to discuss. I don’t want to get into the details of why we’ve been gone, because in any relationship it’s best to keep some mystery (so gals, keep the door shut when you pee at your boyfriend’s house – Jesus)…..I’ll just say that a lot has gone on. We got really angry for a while that we didn’t write GIRLS ourselves. I turned 29 and had what can only be described as a total nervous breakdown. We both have semi-grown up jobs now and must conduct ourselves with a sense of decorum….which basically means going into Ann Fucking Taylor trying to find a skirt that isn’t short enough to be deemed sexual. UGH.
ANYWAY……..we’re trying to be better. We’re trying to come back. And we still love you and want to constantly talk shit to make you laugh…….get ready!