Here’s the Problem: Robert Degen, RIP

We’ll miss “alleged” writer of the Hokey Pokey.

Here’s The Problem: Bicycles are not Cars – Holiday Edition

not cool. lame. are you listening? NOT COOL. L A M E. I will still run over you.

Here’s The Problem: This morning, some fool who had his bicycle decked out for Christmas, cut in front of my car. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – bikes are NOT cars and decorating your bike does not make you special. Blasting Feliz Navidad from a tiny radio tied to your handle bars does NOT make you jolly and it does NOT make it ok to pretend you are in an automobile.

Actual Problem: I’m too small and weak to stop my car, kick your ass AND steal the mistletoe off your bike.

Here’s the Problem: Tila Tequila’s Engaged

Here’s the Problem:  Our favorite social butterfly (practicing my 2010 New Years Resolution of using euphamisms) Tila Tequila is going to tie the knot!  No, not her fallopean tubes (Christmas gift suggestion?), but for realsies getting hitched.  This morning she announced her engagement to Casey Johnson (of No Tears Shampoo fame).

Actual Problem:  It’s a 17 carat ring.  On Tila Tequila. That mixed up, publicity hungry, bisexual whore is wearing an African village’s years worth of food on her finger.  What? I’ve got 22 days till that resolution goes into effect.

Thanks Moye for this story.  I never would have known.  It’s good to have a friend who dedicates full days to “celebrity” twitter feeds.

Here’s The Problem: Kim Zolciak on Ellen

Here’s The Problem: In my on-going obsession with Housewife Kim Zolciak and her whack-tastic song, Tardy for the Party, I found this gem. I’m not sure what’s going on with her new wig – or with Kriss Kross jumping all around her…..what I DO know is that at minutes 1:23 and 1:48 Kim appears to be  trying to rid herself of a camel toe situation.

Actual Problem: I know ALL  the words to this monstrosity……

Here’s The Problem: Lindsay Lohan (Again)

really?

Here’s The Problem: It’s time for another problem about my Favorite problem – Lindsay Lohan. Muse Magazine (i know – i’ve never heard of it either) put her on the cover – with her boob hanging out and then has this lovely shot on the inside.

Actual Problem: This girl is still getting paid to be a hot holy mess. Who is her agent? SIGN ME UP.

Here’s The Problem: Hulk Hogan is Engaged

Yay! Hulk is dating the Double Mint Twins! Wait.....oh....oh my...

Here’s the Problem: Hulk Hogan is engaged to a lovely bleached blonde named….really who cares what her name is? Let’s call her Brooke 2.

Actual Problem: When your dad marries a chick who looks like your identical twin it’s time to call up Mackenzie Phillips and have a heart to heart.

Here’s the Problem: Booze Pills

Here’s the Problem:  Russian scientists have CURED CANCER!!!!!!!!!!  Just kidding – they did something BETTER!  A professor at the Saint Petersburg Technological University found a way to solidify vodka and put it in a pill.

Actual Problem:  Mixing up your anxiety pills with your booze pills.  Actually… not a bad idea.  Mixing up your headache pills with your booze pills?  Also, not a bad idea.  Mixing up your heart medication with your booze pills.  Yeah, that would suck.

Special thanks to my favorite Kyle, for whom now everything is possible again.

Here’s The Problem: Christmas in the City

Here’s The Problem: Christmas Decorations in Century City are like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s truly amazing. From the gigantic wreaths to the shimmering blue lights in the trees – we might as well be at Disneyland!

Actual Problem: I think the city of Los Angeles spent less on the MJ funeral than they did on these twinkle lights.

Here’s the Problem: RipT Fusion

Here’s the Problem:  RipT Fusion is a form-fitted T-shirt that is injected with steroids so a guy is instantly transformed from flab to fab when he puts it on.  It’s for men who really like fried food and also like being attractive.  Guess what? You can’t have both, lard ass.  I know because I’m a chick, and spanks are not the answer to anyone’s problems.

Actual Problem:  When you take this fit-looking boy home and take off his shirt, there is no hiding what nature can’t conceal.  It’s revenge for all the disappointment the miracle bra has brought over the years.

 

Thank you to Dr. Sophie Ambrose for this post.  Her expert medical opinion is to stay away from a shirt you need a prescription for.

Here’s the Problem: Texas Marriage Ban

Here’s the Problem:  Last week  Texas attorney Barbara Ann Radnofsky noticed the wording in a state constitutional amendment designed to ban gay marriage might actually ban ALL marriage.  The clause reads,

Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman. This state … may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.

Actual Problem:  “Marriage” is kinda identical to “marriage”.  No worries though, under this law Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odon would still be safe, because whatever that is, it’s not identical to marriage.