Here’s the Problem:  Despite recently making a movie with Jordin Sparkes, a rep for Whitney Houston is saying she is “broke as a joke“.  I guess Sparkle money doesn’t last long.

Actual Problem:  I guess crack is only for poor people.

Here’s The Problem: Mary J Blige is pissed.  Not only does she look more and more like Nene from Real Housewives as time goes by, but her song from The Help wasn’t nominated.  5 songs could receive a nomination, but only two got them.  Thankfully at least one is from The Muppets.  Lots of people didn’t get nominated though, and in her quest to show how angry she is, Mary tweeted that the Academy is “mean” for doing this.

Actual Problem: “Masterpiece” and “Hello Hello” were also not nominated, which means we won’t get Madonna vs. Elton Round 2.

***Josh is half of the genius that writes Sir! The Blog.  You should check it out.  Daily.  They write more than we do.  And better than we do.  God, why are you even here right now??? Go get Sir’d!!!

Here’s the Problem: Today, on Live with Kim K and Kelly, Kim K discussed her 72-day marriage to ogre Kris Humphries because there’s STILL nothing new to talk about. She joked that the marriage was a business decision and she made all the money and because of this she is a smart business woman. She then joked that the divorce was a bad business decision.
Actual Problem: She’s not joking.

Here’s The Problem:

kara: elizabeth smart is engaged.

kara: she was held captive for a year by crazy people

kara: and still manages to get married before us

lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

kara: can we do a problem about this?

kara: too un-PC?

lisa: kar

lisa: too un pc?

lisa: since when do you care?

kara: i know

kara: i know

kara: but usually we talk smack about dumbasses

kara: this gal was legit KIDNAPPED

kara: bad shit happened to her

lisa: years ago

lisa: kar

lisa: she’s getting married

lisalifetime: so all the bad shit gets erased, right?

kara: RIGHT

Here’s The Problem: The 80’s are back. In full force. Have you noticed the trend? Things that were out are now in. Things that were ugly are now beautiful. Fashion, food, tv….it’s attacking us from all sides.  Lady Gaga is Madonna. My Little Pony is back in stores. I’m sitting here dressed like a welder by day/dancer by night. WHAT IS HAPPENING????

Actual Problem: Two weeks ago I cringed as my mom sang along to Journey songs in the car….. going on and on about “her music” and now I’m afraid that I just caught myself humming “When the Lights Go Down in the City”. Everything old is new again.

Here’s The Problem: These people. Do you recognize them? They are shadows of themselves. Remember when Brad was super hot? Didn’t walk with a cane? Washed his hair once in awhile? Remember when Angelina was smooching her brother and stealing Jen’s husband and was so.damn.beautiful you wanted to punch her in the face? It’s like they got old and boring and no longer have mirrors or stylists or food…or shampoo.

Actual Problem: When beautiful people don’t age well….there is not a lot of hope for the rest of us.

Here’s The Problem: Katy Perry has dyed her hair blue. This is a common occurrence for women who are suddenly single. Break-ups somehow cause a sort of identity crisis that leads to the dyeing of one’s hair. Once, years ago, after being dumped via instant message, I put blond streaks in my hair. Awful.

Actual Problem: Ladies – the post break-up hair change NEVER looks better. It always looks worse. Deal with your problems like everyone else – drink.

Happy Birthday to my favorite gal – Kirstie!!!!!!!! She is 61 years old today and she is looking great! I never lose hope that I will one day meet her and convince her to adopt me. CAN YOU IMAGINE???? Amazing. Anyway – there is no “problem” here. I just felt the need to honor the b-day of this fab lady.

Here’s the Problem:  When I first read the headline (headline!  Cuz this is NEWS people) that Katy Perry and Tim Tebow are doin’ it, I thought it was just a hook to read a shitty article. I mean – there’s no way, right?  She had a naked wedding and kisses girls and he… probably wears a purity ring? (I don’t know anything about football).  But it might be true.  Or at the very least, it’s not April Fools Day.  Katy’s parents are apparently all over this shit – inviting Tebow to go to church with them.

Actual Problem:  A friend of Katy’s mom was quoted in OK Magazine saying,

Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again

Great advice mom.  That’s right up there with saying, “The best way to get over an STD is to share it with as many people as you can”.

Here’s the Problem:  I knew it!  I KNEW IT!  I’d say “TOLDJA” but I didn’t really tell anyone because I convinced myself it was crazy! Absurd! Impossible! But no – it is as real as anything from Star Magazine could be – Khloe “Kardashian” may not have been a spawn of Robert Kardashian.  Apparently momma Kris had her share of affairs and one of them created the glory that is Khloe – the only one of those girls who is relateable passable.

Actual Problem:  She still is halfsies.  She def came out of her mom’s vag (I’m not asking for pictures, I’ll just trust on this one), and that’s still bad enough.