You know who else occupies the holy spirit? Florence Foster Jacobs. Maybe you embody her.
Here’s the Problem: Spencer Pratt and Heidi (just Heidi) sat down with reliable news source, MTV’s The After Show to discuss Heidi’s music “career”. Spencer stood pretty firm in his belief that now that Michael Jackson’s spirit (yes, that Michael Jackson) has become part of the greater Holy Spirit, and since Heidi is a good Christian who participates in confession and communion and all that, she now has Michael Jackson in her. Long story short, Spencer thinks his black-hole-of-talent wife is the new Michael Jackson.
Actual Problem: We mentioned Michael Jackson and Heidi Pratt within the same sentence. This blog has jumped the shark.
**Special Thanks to Baily Vatalaro for demanding we talk about this. You owe us.
Here’s the Problem: Lifegems, a company that specializes in creating diamonds from human hair, has acquired some of the hair folicles charred in the Pepsi fire fiasco of 1984 and are going to make it into DIAMONDS!
Actual Problem: Elizabeth Taylor already has a bid on them and has asked the crypt keeper to put them in her next wedding ring.
Who butters YOUR bread? The cow, or the lady jumping out of the hat/cake?
Here’s the Problem: As we reported earlier (HTP always finger to pulse on all things Iowan), the Des Moines register announced plansto unveil a butter statue of MJ at the state fair. Now, with all the controversy surrounding lard-based effigies, they’re rethinking this.
Actual Problem: They’re leaving the decision to US!!! And no, not just us, but YOU too! You can vote on whether the Iowa State Fair should include a buttery Jacko here. But we thought our own poll would be more interesting.
I guess it makes more sense than the butter statue
Here’s the Problem: There is a crater on the moon, currently named Posidonius J that will now be called the Michael Joseph Jackson crater. Apparently the King of Pop wanted to insure his kingdom spread further than the bounds of this planet and owned some property up there. Way to think ahead.
Actual Problem: How does this work? Is someone going up there to paint a white glove in the middle of this thing? Call me a cratist, but I can’t tell one from the next.
Here’s the Problem: There has not yet been a location or date set for what is bound to be a massive event, although it’s looking like Tuesday, July 7th at the Staples Center will be the site of the Michael Jackson memorial service .
Actual Problem: Guys. Guys. Let’s look at the big picture here. There’s no way Des Moines can get their butter statue of MJ ready in time, let alone get it to 90-degree LA without it melting. RESCHEDULE!