Monthly Archives: March 2009

Here’s The Problem:Celebrating Idiocy

Hooray!! You've ruined your life!
Hooray!! You’ve ruined your life!

Here’s The Problem: People who celebrate terrible, terrible things.  You’re 17 and you’re getting married – AWESOME!!! You’re a 57 year old man and you got your ear pierced – STELLAR MOVE!! You just dropped out of college to become a pop star – BEST OF LUCK!!!

Actual Problem: You are very foolish and someone should bake you a cake that says: WISE UP, DUMBASS! – with frosting flowers, of course.

Here’s the Problem: ShamWow Guy

Not enough chamois in the world to clean up this mess.

Not enough chamois in the world to clean up this mess.

Here’s the Problem:  The ShamWow dude was arrested last month for punching a prostitute he hired (who was allegedly biting his tongue).

Actual Problem:  The ShamWow guy has to pay for sex??? What does that mean for us mortals?

Here’s the Problem: Coach

 

Good job Aunt Michelle.  Can I borrow your Bedazzler when you're done?

Good job Aunt Michelle. Can I borrow your Bedazzler when you're done?

Here’s the Problem:  Coach just debuted their new Bonnie line inspired by Bonnie Cashin (You can say, “who?”  It’s ok.  I did too.).  It features a hideous $1,000 bejeweled canvas tote that spits in the face this little recession us poor Americans are all crying about.

Actual Problem:  We can’t even afford half the stuff in the bead aisle of Michael’s to make a faux one.

Here’s the Problem: Snuggie V2

Now THAT's how you party Slanket style.

Now THAT's how you party Slanket style.

Here’s the REAL problem:  The slanket came out 2 years before the Snuggie and is a SUPERIOR product – better name, better quality, larger color variety.

Actual problem:  Either way, you’re still just wearing a bathrobe backwards.

Here’s The Problem: Snuggies

Wrapped in LIES!

Wrapped in LIES!

Here’s The Problem: You have been brainwashed by the haunting, hypnotizing, infomercial that advertises SNUGGIES. You have been conditioned to believe that you are purchasing an amazing new product that will keep you warm and fuzzy for years to come.

Actual Problem: You just bought a blanket with sleeves, dumbass.

Here’s The Problem: Neverending Story

Remake THIS bitches!

Remake THIS bitches!

Here’s The Problem: Rumor has it that Warner Bros. is considering a “revisit” of  the 80’s classic THE NEVERENDING STORY.

Actual Problem: The actual word we are looking for here is RUIN. Don’t fix shit if it ain’t broke!

Here’s The Problem: Tini Puppini

Toffee wants Daddy to get her new Tory Burch pumps.  And a bone.

Toffee wants Daddy to get her new Tory Burch pumps. And a bone.

Here’s the Problem:  Kids these days could not be bothered with sad looking Pound Puppies.  Welcome Tini Puppini and get your lame excuse for a dog into hair, makeup, and designer clothes.

Actual Problem:  5-year olds saying, “You only like me for my Doggy Style”