Monthly Archives: April 2009

Here’s the Problem: ‘Riting, ‘Rithmetic and Swine Flu

The safest way to live life is to not live at all.

The safest way to live life is to not live at all.

Here’s the Problem:  Schools around the country are shutting down because of suspected swine flu cases.   Great kids.  Enjoy the day off! And by “enjoy” I mean don’t touch anything, eat anything, smell anything or look at anything.

Actual Problem:  Wanna be scared?  Here’s a list of diseases contracted through touching.  How about you use some of that Purell you’ve been hoarding to avoid dying from the regular flu (just as catchy as the pig one, and as of today, 36,000 times more deadly in America).

Listen, if you think you’re catch this, buy a lotto ticket.  There are 109 confirmed cases out of 300 million people in this country.  That’s a .000004% chance.  Good luck!

Here’s the Problem: Heidi Exposes Her Hills

Difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee.

Difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee.

Here’s the Problem: Heidi Montag (aka Disgrace to all Women) is making a deal with Playboy – because apparently, they weren’t making their Big Busty Blonde quota this year…

Actual Problem: Heidi isn’t even one of the hard working slutty girls! Holly and Kendra and Bridget – they had to sleep with Hef to get in that magazine! What did this beezy have to do?? Nothin’.

Here’s the Problem: Jennifer Aniston

Mother to be? Really?

Mother to be? Really?

Here’s the Problem: What do you do when: you’re 40, your star-fucker boyfriend dumped you, AND you used to be a huge TV star*?? You go out and get yourself a baby and name it something weird, like, Shovel Aniston.

Actual Problem: Jen just wants someone who is legally bound to her for at least 18 years.

*i never thought i would be annoyed with Jennifer Aniston. It’s a sad day for me.

Here’s the Problem: Papa John’s Online

Ding Dong!  Here's the end of your life as you know it.

Ding Dong! Here's the end of your life as you know it.

Here’s the Problem: It’s not like I thought Papa John’s was the Triathletes’ pizza delivery chain, but they’ve just joined Pizza Hut and Domino’s with their online pizza ordering service.

Actual Problem:  This is how Sandra Bullock got her pizza in The Net.  And look what happened to her.  Get your fat butt to your nearest phone and call in your request for extra pepperoni before someone steals your identity and you have to break into the FBI to save your identity from cyber-terrorists because your mom has Alzheimer’s and for all she knows, you might be Ruth Marx.   (Also, extra pepperoni has been linked to early onset Alzheimer’s, so maybe you should rethink that too, based on your family history.) 

 

Thanks Sam!  If you’d like to tell us about a problem your having so we can deduce the actual problem – drop us a line!  Herestheproblem at gmail dot com.

Here’s the Problem: Jon and Kate

Come on Jon!

Come on Jon!

Here’s the Problem: It seems that Jon has been boozing it up with some chicks and the paparazzi is having a field day.

Actual Problem: If Jon is actually stupid (and brave) enough to cheat on Kate – imagine the child support checks he is going to have to write for EIGHT kids!!!

Here’s the Problem: Little Lohan

Mini-Mess

Mini-Mess

Here’s the Problem: It’s normal to want to pal around with your big sister. HOWEVER, when your big sister is a “recovering” alcoholoic, drug addict, sort-of lesbian, Marilyn Monroe lovin’, Mayor of Crazy Town……someone should step in and say “no”.

Actual Problem: Dina Lohan.

Here’s the Problem: Swine Flu, duh.

This little piggy went wee wee wee wee all the the way to Cedar Sinai

This little piggy went wee wee wee wee all the the way to Cedar Sinai

Here’s the Problem:  TOO MANY PROBLEMS .  This is getting out of hand.  Was Mad Cow and Bird Flu not enough?  Why do we continue to scapegoat innocent animals to account for problems we create?  Stop feeding cows to themselves, and if you’re raising pigs, keep them healthy. 

Actual Problem: NO PROBLEM AT ALL.  Isn’t the deal that we save media-enforced mass hysteria for times when we’re NOT already going through a national (international?) panic?   Bottom line – should we be worried about Swine Flu?   NO.  Be more worried about getting into your car each morning.