Here’s the Problem: I grew up with this girl. Not Soleil Moon Frye, but Punky Brewster. She was my imaginary friend (yes, I realize she was an actual character and my imagination wasn’t running on all cylinders, but give me a break). Punky was to blame if a lamp broke or if I dropped my broccoli on the floor. She was a great companion to my sad only-child self. When I found out she…er… Soleil had a twitter, I was all over it. Until I realized she was like this.
Actual Problem: Listen, we had some good times when I was young but now we’ve both grown up, so please:
- Don’t call me “Twitterville”, it makes me want to rainbow barf on your cuffed jeans,
- Don’t try to go home again. Anything this desperate is better accomplished with a straight-edge,
- And, bitch, try being Punky again without giving credit to Glomer and I’ll let everyone know who really threw that guard party kegger at my house, lost the front door knob and slept with Sharon’s* boyfriend.
*Names have been changed to protect actual humans
**Thanks to Nora for bringing this to my attention. She might be entering the wrong side of 25 tomorrow, but she’s still got it! For now…
No good. No good at all.
Here’s the Problem: Everyone’s favorite hunched shoulder sweetheart is taken. It is confirmed that John Krasinski and barely-long-enough-to-know-each-other-well-enough-to-do-this girlfriend, Emily Blunt, are engaged.
Actual Problem: Kara and I have a very specific four-month plan to keep things like this from bothering us. So far, the progress has been slow. We’ll update you on Monday.
What next Madea?
Here’s The Problem: Tyler Perry’s character Madea has more movies than the Olsen twins have baggy sweaters. She just went to jail and now she’s about to “…..Do Bad All By Myself”.
Actual Problem: Granny Madea needs to slow down before people get sick of her and her next movie is Madea Goes to the Old Folks Home (where no one comes to visit).
Here’s The Problem: Rumor has it that Avril Lavigne and her hubby Derek Something or Other are headed for a DIVORCE.
Actual Problem: Lisa and I thought long and hard about what the actual problem was…..and we came up with the following:
Looking great one day during your marriage (your wedding day) is not enough, Avril! You’ve gotta try and mantain – because life is complicated, you fall and you crawl, and you break and you take what you get….. and that’s enough.
You know who else occupies the holy spirit? Florence Foster Jacobs. Maybe you embody her.
Here’s the Problem: Spencer Pratt and Heidi (just Heidi) sat down with reliable news source, MTV’s The After Show to discuss Heidi’s music “career”. Spencer stood pretty firm in his belief that now that Michael Jackson’s spirit (yes, that Michael Jackson) has become part of the greater Holy Spirit, and since Heidi is a good Christian who participates in confession and communion and all that, she now has Michael Jackson in her. Long story short, Spencer thinks his black-hole-of-talent wife is the new Michael Jackson.
Actual Problem: We mentioned Michael Jackson and Heidi Pratt within the same sentence. This blog has jumped the shark.
**Special Thanks to Baily Vatalaro for demanding we talk about this. You owe us.
Here’s the Problem: Pauly Shore wants to adopt an African baby. A company called Shine has decided this is a great idea and is going to chronicle his quest for fatherhood……..meaning: Pauly is gonna have a reality show where we watch him try to snag a baby.
Actual Problem: It’s annoying as hell when actual celebrities adopt a bunch of ethnic children and try and have their own Small Fuckin World ride in their homes…..when Pauly Shore does it – it’s practically criminal.
Dude, where's my sash?
Here’s the Problem: Georgine DiMaria, a former Miss NJ, has come up with a platform for her pageant campaign… a little late. DiMaria, who held the crown in 2006 is publicly speaking out for legalizing marijuana – ya know, for medical reasons. She can relate because as a kid she had asthma…. and… ya know… smoking helped? (I guess you have to be high to understand that logic).
Actual Problem: New Jersey needs to secede. Between DiMaria pushing weed reform and former 2007’s Miss NJ, Amy Polumbo, getting all drunk and naked in facebook photos, we can have our own competition. I can picture the talent portion now….
**Special thanks to Josh Cohen’s dog for bringing this story to my attention. Yes, I said Josh Cohen’s dog. He reads High Times, what?