Here’s the Problem: Vienna, Bitches!

Here’s the Problem:  Pop the champagne and start working on your wedding arm bicep curls, VIENNA WON THE BACHELOR!  If you didn’t sit through 2 hours of paint drying last night, allow me to recap:

  • Jake introduces the two finalists to his family by saying, “This is Tenley, she’s perfect… and this is Vienna, everyone hates her and she snores really loud after we do it”.
  • The family’s reaction to Tenley – equivalent to receiving carnations on your birthday.  The family’s reaction to Vienna – equivalent to your grandma receiving a dildo on her birthday (there’s only one true judge and that’s God, so chill).
  • Jake and Vienna explore St. Lucia’s sulfur spring.  Vienna thinks it’s dirty… and then she remembers that she likes dirty.  They get all muddy together.
  • Jake and Tenley go snorkeling and he tells her he likes talking to her, but she’s ugly.  Makes sense.
  • Jake picks a couple wedding rings because he still doesn’t know who he’s going to pick.  Either the girl he finds grossly unsexy, or the one who bathed him in mud and all but licked it off.
  • Jake goes into deliberation mode.  For YEARS.  Just him and Wilson the Rose and those two framed photos of two girls he barely knows but who are apparently both, “sweet” and “amazing” and “wonderful”.
  • Jake proposes to Vienna.  I feel validated.   She’s probably also happy.  Tenley is the shell of a broken woman.  And that is why you don’t have sex with a guy who might propose to someone else the next day.

Actual Problem:  Congrats Vienna!  All your former Hooter co-workers are going to be so jeal that you landed the pilot who makes $25K a year and is gone 3 weeks out of the month.  No really – that’s like, ideal for you guys, right

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