Here’s the Problem: So like basically, all these rumors about Kristen’s supposed drug use are running rampant in the hills (get it?? The hills??) and she’s like totally pissed because her parents have heard all about it, and you know once the parents get involved, it is B-A-D. Then Brody is like, it’s totally Stephanie Pratt who is spreading the problem, even though it’s really obvious that she’s too busy trying to butter up Lo to be her new BFF and crying because Spencer (who’s busy using “crystals” and dirty pigeon feathers to control his anger management problems) won’t stop ignoring her. So then like Kristen confronts Stephanie in the most insane yet inane argument ever which totally reminded me of that time Bethany from The Real Housewives of New York tried to settle things with that crazy Kelly who wouldn’t let her finish any of her sentences. Except like Bethany is Stephanie and Kelly is Kristin, you know? And then the credits roll.
Another Problem: Heidi says she wants to surgically increase her bust size to Hs for “Heidi.” No comment.
Actual Problem: No one gives a rat’s ass about Kristen’s rumor mill problem. At least Lauren had the beautiful acting chops to get all teary and hoarse-voice-y whenever she was trying to deal with all those rumors about a sex tape. I mean, that was a real issue, you know? “I want to forgive you…and I want to forget you.” How can you forget a line like that? What a zinger, Lauren. Bravo.
Actual Actual problem: I can’t believe I’m on Team Stephanie this season. Either I’m way more gullible with reality TV producers, HD camera footage and clever editing, or she’s not as awful as I thought.
Actual Actual Problem Deep Down Inside My Heart That I’m Too Afraid To Admit: I’m a 28 year old curmudgeon who watches The Hills.
Thanks to MOYE – our guest celebrity Hills problem solver!