The Official HTP Election Guide

Welcome one and all to the First HTP Mid-Term Election Voter Guide.  Please note that all opinions expressed here are the views of the writer – Me – Lisa – at the time she was writing it (hungover Sunday morning on the couch) and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of WordPress, Helen Mirren, or me when I’m sober.  If you want to know who Kara’s endorsing you’ll have to follow her into the booth tomorrow.  I can’t promise she’ll be voting, but I can pretty much guarantee a good time.

Here we go!

Candidate Time!!!

Senate

Barbara Boxer


There’s no way I’d every vote for someone named Carly to do anything except lead homecoming committee.

Problem: Babs is old and probably been doing this for too long and it’s only a matter of time till people vote against her just in the name of change.  The longer she’s in, the more fuel to boot her next election.

Governor

Jerry Brown


Yeah, he’s old.  Yeah, he’s done this before.  But there’s no way we’re voting for that old lady hag who took my money for the old timey phone I bid on and then never sent it.

Problem: He’s the lesser of the two evils.

Lieutenant Governor

Gavin Newsom


What a fine fine specimen of man, that young Gavin is.  Aiy Aiy Lieutenant.

Problem: He’s not actually gay, he’s just the super hot mayor of San Francisco.  I feel cheated.

Secretary of State

If someone wants to send me a job description here – specifically how this position effects me, Lisa Lenner, on a day to day basis, I’ll pick someone.  Until then, I’m leaving it blank.  May the funniest name win.

Treasurer

Bill Lockyer


I’ll be honest, this one is based solely on commercials and his is kinda kick ass. I think he says “No Bullshit”.  That’s my kinda man.

Problem:  I need to exercise my DVR fast forward finger.

Attorney General

Kamala Harris


This is one smart chick who isn’t easily wooed by the men in blue (I read that one).

Problem: Legit, this bitch inspires me, but nothing ruins a person reputation more than becoming a politician.

Prop Time!!!!!!!!!

Prop 19 – the Stoner Prop

Yes, duh.   Someone said something yesterday about this cutting down on gang violence and that’s a good thing, right?

Problem:  They also added a conflicting argument, but I can’t remember what it was.

Prop 20 – The Redistricting Prop

I’m gonna go with No, but it’s a weak no.  Here’s the deal – in 2008 a prop passed that created these re-districting committees made of normal people (like you and me!) that would decide how districts are drawn and therefore, how we vote.  I think that’s darling.  Regular folks making rules.  But darling isn’t for me.  We elect people cuz we trust them (if they’re worthy of that trust or not).  It makes sense to me to let those people do those jobs we elect them to do.

Problem: That took a lot of thinking.  I need a break.

Prop 21 – The New Vehicle Tax Prop

Let’s say Yes!  It’s a one time $18 tax when  you register your car and then you get free parking at all State Parks.

Problem: What was that? You don’t visit the California State Parks? Fuck you, get out of our beautiful state.

Prop 22 – The Stop Using City Tax for Other Stuff Prop

No.  It’s important in this current fiscal crisis that the state be able to borrow taxes dedicated for individual cities (read: government employee salaries) to use toward state-wide services such as health care, environment and education.

Problem: I actually researched this one, so if it passes I’ll be bummed.  Wah.

Prop 23 – The Oil Company Suspiciously Wants to Save Your Money Prop

No! This bill is backed by big oil companies who want to put California back 10 years in environmental standards so they can kill your babies with fog.

Problem: Valero put $8 mil into the campaign to pass this prop and all they got was that shitty commercial with a Stepford Wife opening her mail?

Prop 24 – The Fake Job Tax Prop

Gah!  Listen – this isn’t an added “jobs tax” on companies that want to hire people.  This is a tax that is already in place that was going to be relieved by a tax break, but then all the poor teachers were like, “but… but… who will buy us markers and chalk?”  But… on the other hand, a tax break would be nice for someone, I’m sure.

Problem: I haven’t placed a personal value on chalk and so I can’t really make a definitive statement.

Prop 25 – The Lets Make it Easier to Pass a Budget Prop

I’m going to say Yes, but that is solely based on my lack of patience for everything in general and I think a budget would pass a lot quicker if we only need 50% +1.

Problem: I’m tired and getting selfish.

Prop 26 – The Let’s Vote on Approving Fees Prop

No.  I get that it’s wrong to call a “tax” a “fee” so you can get away with it without having to put it to a vote, but if we had to have the public approve two-thirds-style for every city imposed fee, we’d never get anything done.

Problem:  Again, this is all me and lack of patience.  I should start my own party for people who don’t have time for shit. BTW, thanks for reading all this – you’re not invited to my no-patience party.

Prop 27 – The Opposite of Prop 20 Prop

Legit – this is the opposite of Prop 20, so I’m gonna say (…scrolling up…) Yes!  We should eliminate the redistricting committee because… umm… that’s what I said before.

Problem:  Apparently if they both pass, it’s whoever gets the most votes. Seriously? Seriously!?  This place sucks.

 

Alright boys and girls!  That’s what I gotta say and I’m (probably) sticking to it. Unless of course you have a really good argument.  Send them to HeresTheProblem (at) gmail (dot) com.

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3 responses to “The Official HTP Election Guide

  1. great recap ! I now know which i will vote tomorrow.

  2. Prop 19 is actually a badly written law…as much as like weed (which, granted, may not be as much as the people all about this law), if you pick it apart, the positives are far too hypothetical for me to go along with it. I’m voting NO on Prop 19.

    (To the angry stoners who read this: it’s not like you can’t get weed legally in California, just say you have insomnia…it works)

  3. Excellent guide, Lisa! We were voting twinsies this election. 😉

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