Here’s the Problem: Poor Hef. Poor old Hef. Poor old, shriveled-ball Hef. The latest love of his life, 25-year-old Crystal Harris, called off their wedding yesterday – just days before the big day. Apparently, Harris was hoping to get $500,000 to actually ditch him at the alter, but the bids just weren’t coming in. It’s almost like we live in the Garden of Eden when no one’s willing to pay half a mil to watch a gold digging whore break your grandpa’s heart.
Actual Problem: Crystal Harris – you’re an idiot. Have you noticed that this geezer is 84 years old? If you were only in it for the cash, all you needed to do is stick around for a few months and switch out his blood pressure meds for baby aspirin. But if you were in it for the possibility of being outed as a Class A bitch wad, congrats.
***For all of us initially invited to the nuptial ceremony this weekend, it will be replaced with a screening of Julia Roberts “Runaway Bride” at the mansion. See y’all there!***