Here’s the Problem: Beyonce announced – in a pretty classy way, if I may say so myself – that she is indeed, with child. This is fantastic. She’ll be a great mom. Or something. Whatever. Here’s my issue – how come we didn’t know about this? Reports of fake baby bumps come out every day. Every time Jennifer Aniston has a cheeseburger (fine, veggie burger in live sprouted “bread”) we see a magazine cover boasting an interview with her OB/GYN. How did Sasha Fierce get away with keeping this a secret for (reportedly) four months??
Actual Problem: So if Beyonce can be pregnant and not show up on every tabloid as soon as she started show, it proves to the celeb world that it is possible – You can have you cake, eat it, and not land up on PerezHilton with a question mark and an arrow pointing to your belly. Here are the rules:
1. DON’T wear jersey, fitted silk, or empire waist dresses.
2. If you find yourself in one of these bump-spotting outfits – DON’T stop drinking. I don’t care if you’re hung over. I don’t care if you’re in rehab. If you’re going to walk around with a tummy – the only way to avoid the rumors is to keep putting away the shots.
3. Don’t put your hand on your belly. You don’t have a life form in there – you’re just digesting a burrito. Keep your hands to your sides.
**This has been a public service announcement from the HTP girls. You’re fucking welcome.