Here’s the Problem: Beyonce’s Secret Baby

Here’s the Problem:  Beyonce announced – in a pretty classy way, if I may say so myself – that she is indeed, with child.  This is fantastic.  She’ll be a great mom.  Or something.  Whatever.  Here’s my issue – how come we didn’t know about this?  Reports of fake baby bumps come out every day.  Every time Jennifer Aniston has a cheeseburger (fine, veggie burger in live sprouted “bread”) we see a magazine cover boasting an interview with her OB/GYN.  How did Sasha Fierce get away with keeping this a secret for (reportedly) four months??

Actual Problem:  So if Beyonce can be pregnant and not show up on every tabloid as soon as she started show, it proves to the celeb world  that it is possible – You can have you cake, eat it, and not land up on PerezHilton with a question mark and an arrow pointing to your belly.  Here are the rules:

1. DON’T wear jersey, fitted silk, or empire waist dresses.

2.  If you find yourself in one of these bump-spotting outfits – DON’T  stop drinking.  I don’t care if you’re hung over.  I don’t care if you’re in rehab.  If you’re going to walk around with a tummy – the only way to avoid the rumors is to keep putting away the shots.

3. Don’t put your hand on your belly.  You don’t have a life form in there – you’re just digesting a burrito.  Keep your hands to your sides.

**This has been a public service announcement from the HTP girls.  You’re fucking welcome.

 

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5 responses to “Here’s the Problem: Beyonce’s Secret Baby

  1. diane stephenson

    sort of in love with what i believe to be the climax of this post- the “the more you know” image. no offense to the rest of the post, which was delightful, but really… the more you know, ya know?

  2. Excellent points.

  3. This also implies that the Anistons of the world that land on the cover of Crap Weekly with a food baby probably want to be there, and planned it as such.

  4. Yeah, I can’t figure out how that story wasn’t “leaked” before now.

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