Monthly Archives: October 2012

Here’s the Problem: OKCannibal

Here’s the Problem:  Just when you thought online dating couldn’t get any worse…..it turns out it could.  It is now entirely possible that instead of sitting through a painful dinner – you could end up BEING dinner.  Introducing:  the Cannibal Cop, or as his OkCupid profile moniker says “Valleee3”.  Charged yesterday with one count of conspiracy to commit kidnapping, Gilberto Valle conspired with 2 “friends” to kidnap, cook, and eat body parts of women he has met.   His online dating profile is just as lame as every other non-datable 20-something New Yorker.  He has a sense of humor (yawn), likes animals (zzzzzzzz) and enjoys spending time with his nieces and nephews (blah blah blah) .  

Actual Problem:  He’s listed his favorite book as “Green Eggs and Ham”.  So yeah, just like every other horrible date you’ll find online – his palate is about as advanced as a kindergartner.  If you’ve been waiting for a wink back from this guy, he’s probably a little tied up right now.  Luckily – you’re not.

Here’s the Problem: Help Me Win At Life

I have since lost a lot of weight (in my face, mostly), and I’d like Bob to see that.

Here’s the Problem:  Bob Saget is giving away a Shabbat dinner with him to a lucky winner.  You guys know I’m in love with Bob, right?  Welp – there it is.  Out in the open.  Also, I’m Jewish and haven’t had a solid Shabbat dinner since my friend who grew up with an outhouse moved to Omaha.  Obviously, this is not a problem.  Keep reading…

Actual Problem:  I’d really like to tell you how to enter this raffle.  That way, when you win, you can transfer the prize – the prize of all prizes – to me.   But how can I be sure you’ll do it?  How do I know you won’t just enter, reduce my chances of winning, and then take the prize for yourself when you win?  How can you trust people?  People are the worst.  They lie and cheat.  Except Bob.  He’s the best.

If you promise to enter on my behalf, and you win, and you give me the dinner with Bob, I’ll find a way to set up a Shabbat dinner for you and your crush*.  You seriously have to promise, though.  Pinky swear.  No take backs.   Ok.  Great.  Here’s how to enter.

*Your crush  cannot be as famous as my crush.

 

 

**Special thanks to Jamie for making me aware of this and putting in the leg work to help make my dream come true.  Also, thank you for putting up with me when I was on morphine and thanks for bringing cheese to my house when my mom was staying with me and thanks for that roller skate necklace.  You’re the best too.

Here’s the Problem: Where Have We Been? and Dita von Teese Barely Exists

Here’s the Problem:  Dita Von Teese has been wearing a corset for 22 years so now she has a 16.5 inch waist.  Guys, that’s really tiny.  I bet there are intestinal issues there.  Seriously – who wants to take that bet? I have $32.  Wait.  I have to do laundry tonight.  $29.50.

Actual Problem:  WHERE HAVE WE BEEN????????  The answer is nowhere.  We’ve been here.  Sitting behind desks.  Kara’s desk is now behind a door, so that’s pretty cool, and my desk has a new picture of me dancing at a wedding on it, so that’s pretty awesome.  Otherwise, NOTHING HAS CHANGED.  Oh!  I cut my hair.  Too short.  I mean, it’s fine.  But I wish it were longer.  Eh, what can you do?

Actual Actual Problem:  Listen, we know the Dita von Teese story is weak.  But when you stop writing for months – MONTHS! – there is no story big enough to return with.  And let’s be honest, this might be the last post for another long stint.  Life gets in the way, man.  Nothing’s interesting.  Everything’s interesting.  Stress.  Boredom.  Circle of life.

Hey – while I’m just… ya know, writing and you seem to be reading (why???), I want to put something out there.  Every once in a while we get comments on this blog from readers who are all like, “you guys should stop complaining,”  or, “mind your business,” or, “what do you look like naked?”.    Aside from last question (and the answer is: fantastic) – that’s all bullshit.  This blog is about us talking smack about people for no reason.  It started because we would read gossip magazines and say this shit out loud to each other.  Then we noticed other people were listening in.  Like eavesdropping, you know?  And we were like, “let’s make our opinions available TO THE WORLD.”  So, a. you’re welcome, and b. if you don’t like it, don’t read it.   The internet is full of crap.  Crap like cooking websites and blogs by women who are thinking of leaving their husbands, and KKK leaders.  If you don’t like what we have to say, go read some of those writer’s musings and complain that they have a voice.  America!

That said, we always love comments – even the negative ones.  So how about you guys leave a bunch of nice comments this time?  Kara and I are going to Jersey for a wedding this weekend and maybe if we get enough nice comments we’ll finally have enough self confidence to get out on the dance floor and break. it. down.