Here’s the Problem: The latestcraze in dogs these days is the Cava-poo-chon, a spaniel/poodle mix whose selling point is that it will never lose its puppy face – even when it’s too old to control its bladder. Oh good. Now we we can stop spending so much money on doggy facelifts.
Actual Problem: My mother always said if I want to look young and pretty forever to surround myself with old ugly friends. That’s why I’m staying far away from the Cava-poo-chon and buying a Chinese Crested instead.
Here’s The Problem: This one gets filed under a larger umbrella of Things the Elderly Shouldn’t Do. First on that list? TWEET. Martha Stewart is disgusting the masses with tweets of her gourmet meals. Meanwhile, this is the woman who is supposedly the Queen of all things domestic. But what are looking at here, Martha?? WHAT? What IS this???
Actual Problem: These meals looks like something to wipe up with Shittens.
Here’s The Problem: I JUST received an email from a concerned HTP fan about our last post, in which I state that I suffered from NARCOLEPSY. A sleeping ailment (which, obvs, I don’t REALLY suffer from…). This fan, who will remain nameless because their foolishness absolutely astounds me, was confusing this with NECROPHILIA. Not sure what that is? I suggest you look it up……let this be a lesson to ALL of us. When in doubt – LOOK.IT.UP.
Actual Problem: Spontaneous sleep and sleeping with the deceased…..two VERY different ideas.
Here’s The Problem: Because I was basically suffering from narcolepsy over the weekend, I missed many things. The thing I regret missing the most is this idiotic display of…well…idiocy. Here comes Lady Gaga on a fake unicorn. A fucking, fake UNICORN. Like she’s in a parade at Medieval Times! And then Miley and her cat (i’m talking about a feline this time – not her vag). It seems like all these “artists” are just trying to out weird each other. Congrats! It’s working – you’re all weirdos! Who will be the Weirdo Queen??? I just cant wait to see.
Actual Problem: I miss Adele. Black outfit. Chair. Stage. Sing. THE END.
Here’s the Problem: Lil Mama continued her impersonation of Lisa Left-Eye Lopez at the American Music Awards last night. After starring in the Crazy Sexy Cool biopic a few months ago, Lil (can we call you Lil?) thought she slip right in and complete the trio in the performance – like we wouldn’t notice?!?! First, Miss Mama is young enough to be T-Boz and Chilli’s granddaughter, and that was made abundantly clear as she over-danced the hell out of it while the legacy members looked like they were getting through a dose of horse tranquilizers.
Actual Problem: Can we just get the diamond-crying kitty to replace all dead artists from now on? Yes, I am saying that there should be a feline Cory Monteith on the last season of Glee. Too soon?
Here’s The Problem: Courtney Stodden, 19, has recently divorced her MUCH older husband, Doug Hutchinson, 53. She has told the media that she just wants to be 19, you know? So, naturally, she has found a more suitable boyfriend in 53 year old Edward Lozzi….wait, what?
Actual Problem: This girl knows that balls don’t start out looking like that…right?
Here’s The Problem: Adam Levine is NOT the sexiest man alive. He’s the biggest douche alive (next to John Mayer, of course). BuzzFeed helped me to remember some of his absolute worst quotes.
“I hate flying, know why? Because no one really understands how planes actually work.”
Um, yeah Adam, people do understand. That’s how we don’t fall to our DEATH.
“I love attention. I cant stand not having it.”
I cant stand YOU.
“I want our shows to have masses of sexuality and crying.”
Oh, I’m crying alright.
“I have a high self opinion. I don’t need to hide that. I don’t need to be self-deprecating.”
Oh my gawdddddd. Shut UP.
Actual Problem: After reading these quotes even that eagle tattoo about to bite his junk cant turn me on.