HTP THROWBACK: The Hills, In Retrospect (and anticipation)

Here’s the Problem:  The Hills comes back tonight after 9 years.  For 9 years we’ve only gotten glimpses about the lives of Lauren, Heidi, Spencer, Audrina and Justin Bobby through a random TMZ post here, an obscure sighting on the streets of Austin there, and, of course, single seasons of shitty competition shows.

But what we’re most excited about tonight is not finding out if Speidi can go through a full episode without a Botox touch up, but to see who the background stars will be. As we know from the first run of The Hills, random characters can turn out to be your next favorite reality show trash (see: Brent Bolthouse’s “other” assistant turned Southern Charm start, Landon Clements) or beauty mogul (see: Teen Vogue star intern turned Glossier founder, Emily Weiss) or guy who looks familiar but you can’t think of us name (see: forgettable model turned forgettable actor, Colton Haynes) .

Actual Problem:  How much  do you think Mischa Barton got paid to agree to be “introduced” on this series?  Hoping they used at least half that much money to get these has-beens into today’s middle-aged version of La Doux (aka, Sam’s Club).

Here’s the Problem: Sugar Rings and Stop Asking

Here’s the Problem: Don’t f*** with me, Albertson’s. I know what those are. Last I checked, the word “donut” isn’t trademarked, so what are you getting at here?

Actual Problem: What’s the obsession with the word, “ring” Albertson’s baked good section?? Why’s it all about a ring? Can’t people be happy without a fucking ring? I mean, some people just want to come home at night and snuggle up with a nice donut without thinking about its shape or consistency or future.

…or maybe it’s just me.

Here’s the Problem: CFP Championship Logo

Here’s the Problem: I watched the College Football Playoff Championship game last night (go Bucks!) and was oddly entranced by the logo. I mean, there it was. Big and bold and in the middle of the field. Looking seductive, yet warm and embracing. Whoever came up with it seemed to have an intense understanding of lines and life. Possibly from the Georgia O’Keefe school of logo design?

Actual Problem: With all the attention to the logo, it seemed unnecessary to add the stark contract of Ohio State and Oregon cheerleaders. I mean, The Bucks girls could be nuns compared to those Slutty Ducks. I think I can see her logo…

Here’s the Problem: Jay-Z and Solange Go At It… AGAIN?

Lisa:  Hey Bun!

Kara:  Bun!

Lisa:   Have you seen this Solange Jay-Z elevator fight?

Kara:  I have.   She’s soooo crazy and Beyonce just stands there.

Lisa: Because she’s a robot?

Kara:  Ummm… more like because she’s seen it all before.

Lisa:  Ooooooh!  I hadn’t thought of that. You think this is a common thing?

Kara:  I do!  Otherwise Bey woulda like, waved her arms or something.   She literally just stands there.  You can almost hear her yawn.

Lisa: Maybe this is what Bey Bey, Diddy and Kimmy K do for entertainment –  Put Hova and Solange in a cage and let them go at it.

Kara: I think Solange would lose.  She is not very big.

Lisa:  No.  And HOV has some HEFT.  But don’t underestimate a crazy chick with wild eyes.

Kara:  Tell me about it.

Wanna see – SEE! and HEAR! – Kara talk about her fighting career?  Go here!  LMVO has all the hot girl fight commentary.

Here’s the Problem: Somethin’s a Brewin’ With the HTP Girls

We’ve got something special to share with you…. if we could only figure out how to set up our iPad. Look out for some fun video content soon*!

*Soon is relative. Don’t hold your breath, but DO get excited.

Here’s the Problem: Platinum Problems

Here’s the Problem:  Have y’all seen recent photos of Adam Levine and Tom Brady?  Two of the more attractive men of their generation (despite them painfully knowing and abusing it) have taken their looks back to the 90s.  Bleaching their hair and looking like fools.

Actual Problem: There’s a reason that Slim Shady and Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer didn’t survive the advent of Youtube and Twitter. #the90sareover #midlifecrisesarebetterrtealizedwithsportscars #Doesn’tyourwifedoPantenecommercialsTom? #Notallattentionisgoodattention

Here’s the Problem: Boy Meets Rhinoplasty

Here’s The Problem: Boy Meets World was a game changer for many people our age.  (And by “our age” we mean folks TWICE as old as the demo for the Disney Channel series, Girl Meets World.).  It’s been over 20 years since we first met Cory and Topanga, and we expected some things to change – the addition of laugh lines, the subtraction of baby fat – but something else has changed.   Something no one could truly prepare for….Cory’s NOSE. Instead of the smooth, semi–bulbous nose we had come to know and love, a long, pointed dagger is protruding from Cory’s face!

Actual Problem: Have we learned nothing from the days of Jennifer Grey???

 

Here’s The Problem: Johnny Weir’s Meddling Mama

Here’s The Problem: Johnny Weir (famed figure skater) and his husband, Victor Voronov are splitting up. The cause of this sad split? Johnny’s mommy. No, for real. Vic is telling the media that his mother-in-law’s meddlesome antics are to blame for the demise of their union.

Actual Problem: I call BULLSHIT on this. Listen Victor, if mother-in-laws were actually able to cause divorces, no one would be married! Buck up!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s the Problem: Kim & Kanye’s Vogue Cover

Here’s the Problem:  Alright.  You asked for it (Christine).  The problem with Kimye’s vogue cover.  I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure what was wrong with it (unless you’re a racist who thinks we shouldn’t be faulting interracial marriages…  in that case YOU’RE the problem).   Is that the dress does nothing for Kim’s boobs?  Is it that Emily Blunt is included in the “Shape Issue” (is annoying a shape?)?  I think the issue is that Madame Anna Wintour originally said she’d NEVER put a Kardashian on the cover of Vogue.  Well…

Actual Problem:  Just like myself and everyone else we’ve met on social media (which is everyone, right?) even the Nuclear Wintour has no choice but to Keep Up.   Get cozy, Anna.  I hear there’s a 3 hour E! Kardashian divorce special in the works that you will not want to miss.

Here’s the Problem: A Baby for Mila and Ashton

Here’s the Problem:  Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are having a BABY.  And they’re gonna get MARRIED.

Actual Problem:  This is the best thing to come out of That 70s Show… because let’s be honest, Laura Prepon’s career was the worst.