Here’s The Problem: Miley Gets Bitch-Slapped by the Press

poor miley...

Here’s The Problem: Miley’s movie, The Last Song, may just be her Last Movie. Reviews are in and the press is ripping this little girl to shreds. Like, serious bad blood, low down dirty smack-talking:

“Acting, for the moment at least, seems almost entirely beyond her…she pouts, slouches, storms in and out of rooms and occasionally cracks a snaggle-toothed smile, but most of the time she seems to be mugging for the camera, play-acting rather than exploring the motives and feelings of her character.”      New York Times

“I can’t recall ever squirming as much as I did during Ronnie and Will’s first kiss; shiny, buff Liam Hemsworth looks like he’s locking lips with an Andy Hardy–era Mickey Rooney in a wig.”       The Village Voice

Actual Problem Lesson: If ya don’t want to be compared to some super old dude or called snaggle waggle – don’t be an annoying little brat. 🙂

Here’s the Problem: Madonna’s Luggage

Here’s the Problem:  Madonna touched down in Malawi a couple days ago, and here are some glamour shots of her bags.  Looks like it’s going to be a nice long weekend.

Actual Problem: People are all in a huff that you don’t need 26 pieces of luggage when traveling to a 3rd world country.  You really think those suitcases are full of clothes?  No, silly, they’re empty.  How do you smuggle kids who aren’t up for adoption back to the states?  Louis Vuitton!

Here’s the Problem: Lady Gaga ALWAYS Looks Like That

Here’s the Problem:  In an interview with OK Magazine, Lady Gaga bashes celebrities who don’t wear 12-inch platforms on a daily basis,

I think you should look nice all the time. When I meet celebrities and they’re in casual clothes, I’m always like: ‘Whaaat?’

Actual Problem: If I looked like this without makeup, I’d wear a costume to direct attention away from my face too.  Not everyone can rock casual Fridays like Helen Mirren.

Here’s the Problem: Rosie Radio

Here’s the Problem: I’ve been waking up legit depressed the last few days because Rosie O’Donnell is on vacay this week and her radio show is all repeats every morning.

Actual Problem: Since I’ve gotten addicted to Sirius radio and Rosie herself,  I relate more to a middle-aged lesbian mother of 4 adopted kids than … than…

ACTUAL actual problem: I can’t think of the go to exemplar of young professional women. Who is the 20-something outspoken, but intelligent, non-pop star idol of our generation?? Fuck the children. Who’s my role model???

Here’s the Problem: The End of the Pratts

Here’s the Problem:  They may be denying it like woah, but I’m not taking any chances – there are reports that Heidi (you know which Heidi we mean) has moved out of the Pratt home and the couple may be splitting up.

Actual Problem:  Again, I don’t know if this is true, but God forbid it is, take cover.  A single Pratt is as dangerous as a black widow spider and these kids may be on the loose real soon.  It was bad enough that they might procreate, but that they might infect civilians is cause for great concern.

Here’s The Problem: Kourtney Kardashian’s Calabasas Home

Here’s The Problem: Kourtney Kardashian and everyone’s favorite douchebag, Scott Disick are selling their 2,245 square foot home in Calabasas. Cause they need more room. More room than 2,245 square feet in a Cala-freakin-basas Castle. Mmmmhhhmmmm. I’m sorry did I miss something? Did the Duggars move in with ya’ll?

Actual Problem: Rich people.

Here’s The Problem: Golden Food

how come???

Here’s The Problem: In Germany, some genius has come up with a product that turns your food silver or gold. It’s called Esslack (which makes me think of Ex Lax…so, ew). This magical product takes a regular piece of toast and makes it a golden piece of toast.

Actual Problem: If you are so damn pretentious that you need to eat golden food then the real problem here is you, King Midas.

Here’s the Problem: Ricky Martin is GAY!

Here’s the Problem:  Get the hell out – did y’all hear?!  Ricky Martin is gay! Like, he’s into boys.  I know!!! I was shocked too!!!

Actual Problem:  I also just found out RuPaul is a MAN!  This day is blowing.  my.  mind.

Here’s the Problem: Big Pimpin

Here’s the problem: Demi Moore criticized Kim Kardashian via twitter on Kim’s use of the slang term “pimpin'”. Demi said that Kim was glorifying the pimp culture. Seriously?

Actual problem:  We’ll ignore the fact that Demi is being all mother of the year when it comes to a complete stranger, but won’t teach her own daughter, Rumor, to utilize make up properly.  The real problem is Kimmy Kardashian is stuck in 2004, still using words like “pimpin?”  Take a reality pill with your Quick Trim next time.

**This post brought to you by Intern Hillary!!

Here’s the Problem: Life, by Oprah

Here’s the Problem:  I caught a few minutes of Discovery’s new show, Life, last night.  I haven’t seen visuals like this since I ate that whole brownie and went to see Alice in Wonderland.  Only downside – Oprah Winfrey is the narrator.

Actual Problem:  As my roommate Bobbie said,”I would get it if she was narrating a show about shopping… or homeless people.”  I’m just waiting for her to introduce a new species: “ROUND FOOTED PLAAAAAAATYYPUSSSSSSSSS!